Sunday Thoughts

For this graduate student, Sundays are a precious day for preparation for the upcoming week. I assess my planner for its preparation for the following weeks, complete homework, knock out the smaller tasks I can do, and often feel a little bit like Superwoman. Now that it's fall, this routine is accompanied with the sounds of football in the background throughout the afternoon and evening.

One thing I've noticed is the hours seem to fly by when I am preparing for the upcoming week. I don't chastise myself if I am sucked in by an impressive play. I don't criticize myself when I somehow manage to line one of my hands up incorrectly on the keyboard. I don't get upset at myself when I struggle with addition and subtraction while balancing my checkbook. For some reason I have yet to understand, I am most patient with myself on Sundays.

This patience is something I should carry forward to the rest of the week. Really. I have a short fuse, and know it. I believe one of the reasons I am most patient on Sundays is my weekly quest to write out a thank you card to someone who has influenced me positively in the past week.

Patience is a virtue. Or so it goes.

the bucket list

It seems so simple - write down a list of things you know you want to do sometime in your life, and then set about making sure to take time for the extraordinary in the midst of all the ordinary. The picture of Homer Simpson and his bucket list (perhaps a bit literal, but nonetheless, it's a list!) showcases some of the things which give pleasure for Homer to seek, along with a little bit of a dose of reality at the end.

Friends tell me they've written down their bucket lists, and it's apparently wise to tackle a lot of the list while young. I can remember sitting around with groups of student leaders as enthusiastic conversations were held comparing bucket lists. I generally stayed silent during these conversations. 

Confession: I've never actually committed my bucket list to any sort of written form. I may say something is for sure on the list, but I have no written way to recall the events I've deemed of importance. This is by choice.

Ultimately, I believe life is experience-rich and despite being a strong Type-A personality with a to-dominate list at nearly all times on the ever-trusty legal pad, a color-coded planner, and a love for organization, I cannot bring myself to write down a list of "dream things to do", more commonly known as a bucket list. If a dream is strong enough, I believe it will stay with me until it is accomplished. If an experience is meant to be, opportunity will exist. 

I know that on occasion, you need to create your own opportunity in order to move forward. I am not saying I am one to sit around and knit afghans and dream up my Crazy Cat Lady collection while waiting for opportunity to present itself. First, I can't knit (well). Second, I don't even like cats. The Type A in me wants research and facts prior to commitment. When a new potential experience comes to mind, research is there to help me understand WHAT about the idea fascinates me. Perhaps I am interested in skydiving because of the sense of actually seeing all - well, this would translate elsewhere in life and teach me to be more patient and understanding of others in order to see all in another sense. Perhaps I am interested in singing karaoke on a cruise ship (done, surprisingly...) because of knowing exactly no one except who you travel with beyond hellos. Checking things off (or crossing them out, if you prefer) seems a bit impersonal for items one has deemed "must happen during their lifetime". I believe my perception of the impersonal nature comes from my list-making ways in other facets of life. 

I do not write this post to squash the dreams and bucket lists of my friends. Rather, I write it to explain why I choose not to keep a bucket list, but rather to seek out opportunities as they are possible. I believe everyone approaches life in their own way and values their approach most when able to verbalize why. 

Published. Whoaaaaaaa...

The word 'published' is a bit incredible when you're embracing it for the first time.

Sure, lots of things are published each and every day. I hit a pretty orange button that says 'Publish' at the end of typing a blog post. You'd think the word would be desensitized to me, much as it is to many I know.

Have you ever sat down and discussed a design concept? A color scheme? The font family to be used? Or do you just trust that your "typical settings" will do the job?

Once you've made those minor decisions which seemed intense, there's just a little task looming on the horizon: content.

How does one KNOW what to write about next? How do you know your writings will be pertinent? Is anyone actually going to read what you have to write? Questionable, at best.

I realize this seems incredible cynical, but the reality is the written word is valued only as much as each person chooses to value it. While some will never read anything more complex than a restaurant menu in their everyday life, others choose to immerse themselves in Tolstoy or Steinbeck. Others will never send a written letter through the mail when a Facebook message or an email suffices given the demand of instant gratification when it comes to information transfer.

When is the last time you valued what you wrote?
When is the last time you seriously contemplated what it means to be 'published'?

I admit, I was right there with what I suspect is the majority opinion: Almost never, although there was that one time...

One time? You mean to tell me you learned how to write in order to only ever write one meaningful thing?

However, stepping back and taking a moment to reflect and consider what is important regarding the written word has shown me the potential of the written word. While I don't fool myself into thinking my personal blog is heavily trafficked by tons of interested readers, I do believe in the importance of writing something meaningful and thought-provoking.

It IS a big deal to be published in any form, especially when experienced for the first time. Embrace it.

pretzels and pajamas

Once in a while, you just NEED a day where you refuse to put on pants. Insert: today. 

Recharging this introvert's batteries can be a tough thing to do, especially given the events of the previous week (a divisional meeting, a two-day workshop, and lots of other networking). Each interaction takes a bit of digging deep to make sure the end result is meaningful...and all of that chips away at my "in public" persona. 

Homework had monopolized my life for the past month, but fortunately the June-mester only course is over. I still have two online classes in full swing, but they are far more bearable as the assignments for each class require a few hours a week of effort versus hoping I would be done by midnight each night. This meant that I did not have much of an opportunity to truly recharge. 

Rant over. Today's been fantastic, the sun is setting, and I have no plans to put on pants. This is a grad school weekend as it should be done. :)

reintroducing words to my vocabulary and striking a balance.

A year ago, I never would have imagined that I would be sitting on a bed in the apartment of a residence hall at Clemson. I would have laughed at you if you said I would say "I love you" to someone other than a family member. Needless to say, the past 24 hours have been incredibly interesting for a variety of personal and professional reasons, and I am excited to see how this summer continues to unfold.

I have a tendency to keep my personal life very, very private. Few people know much about me, and even fewer know the real me. For a long time, I thought that was what I needed to do to be "safe" and make sure that no one hurt me. The few times I abstained from this mentality, it backfired and I was the one left alone and tending to wounds. Tentative at best was my approach to any potential suitor...

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind. Between wrapping up my previous job, the adventures of traveling home for a few days, getting to reunite with one of my best friends, and the road trip to Clemson, you would think my time would be monopolized. Rather, my heart was monopolized by someone who came into my life at just the right time...we tease each other because we met during the madness of finals and getting moved out for summer, but it was really the right time for me. I did not know how much I needed someone to come into my life and show me that I am beautiful and loved.

Self-confidence can be very difficult to build if you are someone who is not accustomed to receiving compliments. College and graduate school have completely altered my life, especially since I was fortunate enough to escape the outsider status of the small town that used to be my world. I believe in many ways I am a success story that shows you can leave behind a negative experience and build a new life with positive beginnings and positive influences. There is someone for everyone who will not only tell you about your strengths, but will vehemently defend your honor before anyone.

All smiles from the relationship front, now on to the employment front...
It was a wonderful first day at Clemson. The people are fantastic, and fortunately there are a few individuals close to my age here in town that are all super nice. It has certainly confirmed some of the qualities I seek for my first professional job - the search process creeps up on you before you fully recover from the last search! All in all, it has been an absolutely wonderful day, and the internship enables me to use my degree (ha! that old dusty thing that hasn't been of much use other than tutoring residents/RAs so they pass their history tests...) in a way that will benefit an organization that helped me gain some of my first professional contacts in the Southeast. :)

This may seem like a rather long blog post...and to tell the truth, it is! Life is looking up, and I am blessed with great family, friends, and an amazing boyfriend who seems to always know when to say the right thing and to challenge my thoughts so that I continue to grow. Striking a balance between wanting to spend every moment being happy with all of the recent life changes and actually getting down to work may be a bit tough right now, but it will all work out for the best - just have to have faith. :)

...you're always home.

I've been in Clemson, South Carolina...for approximately twelve hours.

It's been an incredible journey and I am thankful that I had the means to be able to get from a few much-needed days with the family - including an amazing afternoon with just my mom! - and have a day to rest before I jump into an all-day orientation starting at 8am tomorrow. Switching between time zones can mess you up in addition to a super-long drive!

This is going to be a pretty short post, since I'm thinking that a nap is most certainly in order...after I convince myself that contrary to popular belief, it's best to unpack.

All this happened, more or less.

In the midst of a bout of frustration and pretending I didn't have a mountain of work to do before the end of the semester for both classes and my assistantship, I took a few hours to re-read Slaughterhouse-Five. Vonnegut created a slew of characters that I can identify with and understand each reading, and in the most recent reading, I connected with the journey of Billy.

For those who have not read Slaughterhouse-Five, I'll hopefully be able to balance doing justice to the work without also giving away the entire plot. Billy uniquely travels through time, and knows exactly how, when, and where he will eventually die - because he has already seen it. Billy's life was also impacted by his time as a POW captured by Germans during World War II. One of the most interesting concepts brought to light is the concept of free will.

Free will, and my determination that reading Slaughterhouse-Five would help me feel more inclined to better balance the stress of school, work, and the "we're talking but not really talking enough to make this a relationship but maybe it will be a relationship soon" factors that are making life interesting. I forgot to mention that I am also working on an internal assistantship search as well as the beginnings of a thesis...if only I could juggle half as well in real life. I hear jugglers are paid well. ;)

At the fateful point any bookworm knows best - the point where you only have a few pages to read, but a small piece of you is unwilling to allow the story to end - my thoughts turned to school again. Voila! Refreshed and recharged to continue my homework...or so it goes.

I have been immersed in vectors the past few weeks in challenging myself to better understand Chickering, especially considering I gave a brief presentation last Wednesday. In thinking about the fact that the semester is nearly over, I considered my current opinion toward theory - it still strikes me as interesting, but the application piece can be infuriating because of how targeted some theories are to specific audiences (race, religion, etc.). In some ways, I was reminded in my theory class as to one of my primary frustrations with history: the obsession with things that have already happened, ideas of those who have died, and discussions that demonstrated minimal understanding of the basic content. I feel as though I was challenged to remember some dates and important points, but that I don't necessarily know much about a specific theory or could apply the theory without a listing of its vectors, stages, levels, etc. To be fair,  it is difficult to learn something as intense as theories that guide and define an entire career field within the time span of a single semester.

If nothing else, my interest has been sparked and I believe I could enter a conversation and have a basic understanding of theories commonly used in higher education. I am hopeful that there will be some great conversations and opportunities for thought where the knowledge gained through this semester becomes applicable. One of my largest hurdles was becoming "unstuck" to the timeline of theory and its creation, and instead understanding that any theory may be applied regardless of when it was created. Much like Billy in Slaughterhouse-Five, my thoughts were upon how one exercises their free will to develop a better understanding of life. 

In the words of Vonnegut: All this happened, more or less.