"Let us live today." - J.C.F. von Schiller

"I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.

-William Allen White

Being such a mass of nerves for so long has made this rather...incomprehensible. I can't believe that I did it! It's been a struggle, and I know that I have definitely gotten myself into the unknown. Sometimes you find good things in the dark. The quote above definitely describes at least the next year of my life as I trek upon a new leadership adventure with no predecessors, but plenty of positive encouragement.

We expect more of ourselves than we have any right to.

- Oliver Wendell Holmes

Perhaps my goals are a bit lofty - but then again, one has to start somewhere, and why not make it something where you leave a personal mark? Creative and innovative ideas are only a small portion of what I've got on my plate, but I look forward to seeing how everything else in my life pans out for the upcoming year. Perhaps I should have started with a smaller, more reasonable goal: like cleaning my room. Again. How did it get so messy in less than a day?! I think that's what I'll do after this.

Put your heart, mind, intellect, and soul even to your smallest acts. This is the secret of success.

- Swami Sivananda

This is a quote that I have used personally to ensure that I pay attention to the details. This weekend, I was asked what my leadership style is...something that I've never been asked or even really considered until that time, for you lead. However, I had an answer, one which I think shows how I act - I think through the details and put them together into the big picture. Perhaps you could call it reverse micromanaging [another word I heard frequently throughout the weekend]. I love that knowing that I dropped off some copies on the right day helps keep things moving, or simply knowing that because I took the time to say hello, it made someone else's day a bit brighter. Success is whatever you decide to make it - and I have decided that my success is to improve not only myself, but my peers, friends, and all those who I interact with in a positive way.

lost in the abyss of questioning

i feel alone. it seems that no matter how many questions i ask, or how positive i portray myself to be, i'm still a nervous wreck. i am prepared in every sense that i can prepare. yes, you say good luck, and you seem confident that i'm the right person coming forth at the right time.

the nagging doubt that digs through my mind and gnaws at my nerves continues. anyone who reads this and knows me will know exactly how i feel right now. it's difficult to explain, and even more difficult to tolerate, let alone work with.

thoughts?

Sometimes a loss now means winning big later...

As I lie here in hopes of succumbing to a deep slumber, I think upon the many things that I once cherished and held dear. While this may imply far more than I intend, I simply mean to say that each new experience - and college seems to be overflowing - has made me into a different, more "well-rounded individual".

Perhaps I liked my jagged edges. At the same time, I don't like smooth people. I always feel like someone is trying to pull something over on me. I've got no intentions of slipping my way through life. I want to create those jagged edges that everyone else seems so determined to file away.

Every time I fall, or believe, or trust, I am creating a jagged edge. I give a piece of myself up to someone else, allow myself to be in their care, and hope for something in return. There are those who have received far less than what they have given me, and they have the jagged edges that I desire.

What a confusing mess. It's nearly 2am. The time isn't necessarily the issue, but rather that I'm typing away about a thought, but not a carefully-formed thought. Word vomit, you might say. Regardless, it's imperfect, and jagged.

It's how I wish to be.

I Just Haven't Met You Yet

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1AJmKkU5POA&feature=PlayList&p=D35FB0A1F7AA7107&index=3&playnext=4&playnext_from=PL
[You'll have to copy and paste this, I guess. I thought I could just insert the link and be good to go. Someone can show me how to make it work properly later.]

Right now, I'm very smitten with this song. I love how upbeat it is, even though there's no idea of what is going to happen or who this song is about. It makes me realize that you can just live without worrying about every little detail of how your day is going to go - for example, my vehicle didn't start yesterday, but not a day-ender - but you can live with the intent of giving more than you get. You can be enthusiastic about something where you have no idea what the results are going to be. You can reach to new opportunities, and you can continue to keep trying, and still be happy despite whatever pitfalls you might have. The grocery store setting shows me that all of the little things that do matter [you know, food] are going to be there regardless of your life. The line about breaking your heart so many times that you've lost track, and then the line that "I thought I thought of every single possibility" scream out at me, because they make me think about my life.

Yes, I am looking for someone special in 2010, but I'm not going to focus all of my time and energy on this pursuit. I can't see every possibility, and I don't know when/where/why/how/what/who this mystery man of my dreams is - but I won't need to fight it.

I really like this song, and it's one that I discovered at a low point in my life. I hope that it has a similar positive effect for you.

Hold The Rope

As of late, this is a life lesson that I have thought on for quite a bit. My rope seems pretty frayed, and has definitely done its share of stretching, but I haven't fallen yet. Why? I know that I'm hanging on, but who is holding the other end for me? There is someone who cares, someone who wants to make sure that I stick around, and for that I am thankful. Life would be pretty dull otherwise. I know that I am hanging on to the other end for quite a few friends. I've been there through it all - the good, the bad, the ugly - and I'll probably never hear a word of thanks. Sometimes, these lovely people won't acknowledge me in public. I've decided that it's not a priority to be recognized for what I do, but rather to ensure that I am honest, faithful, and make the choices I do for the right reasons.

When you are hanging over the edge of a cliff, hands turning white from gripping your frayed, scraggly end of the rope, who is above you, holding you there, and ensuring that you won't fall into the deep abyss? I've fallen once. I know that I was let down - but by myself. Sometimes, it's difficult to hold on for everyone - sometimes, it's difficult to hold on for yourself.

I want to thank those of you who continue to hold the other end of my rope, to ensure that I don't fall unless I do so of my own accord. Additionally, those who come after me and ensure that I am safe and make my way back up. If I'm at the bottom, I have let go not only for myself, but for everyone else that is depending upon me.

I keep a small length of rope to remind myself of this story, and to remind myself to stay strong when the going gets rough. It's not a symbol of leadership. It's a symbol of authority - knowing that you have the power to let someone else go despite their best effort to hang on, or to let yourself go. Choose wisely, but I advise that you remember to keep holding on to the rope. Without it, life doesn't have the appeal of knowing that you are not completely alone.

All Things In Moderation

So far, 2010 has not been a kind year. However, it's difficult to begin any phase of your life with so many changes, and little did I assume that anything would be simple when it comes to living life for yourself. It's been a while since I was single, and now that I am again, I realize that it's a lovely thing. Sure, I have my moments where there is nothing I want more than someone to simply listen and care for what I am and hold me tight when I have my bad moments, but at the same time, I've learned that I can take care of myself just fine without someone else to 'depend'.

I've been doing some different things this semester. You know, studying, being social, and making sure I get enough sleep. Not exciting by any stretch of the imagination, but at the same time, I needed to return to the basics. It feels good to believe in myself and know that everything is going to be all right because I say so, not because someone else does.

Is anyone out there?

Perhaps I am pushing everyone away. Perhaps I do need to be alone, and not have another person in my life right now. Thoughts?