confessions of a twenty-something with a million directions

Every day, I question if I am doing what I really want in life. Do I want to go in this direction? I have the potential to go this way...let's explore for a bit. Indecisive might be my middle name for a while longer, but I have finally hit the point where I really need to figure out which direction I want to take, throw my passion in the right places, and really start to develop and make sure I've got the full persona for the future of my dreams.

Too many questions, too little time, and too little focus. I've got to pull it all together. Even the Iron Chef always has a secret ingredient...just have to wait for mine.

remembering...and regaining.

When you think back, sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it makes you smile, and sometimes you wistfully think about the people you once were able to surround yourself with and can no longer for a variety of reasons.

Recently, I have been blessed with many opportunities. As I think back and reflect about the path that I took - with its bright moments, the lifelong friends, and the memories that I will treasure - and dig a bit deeper into my memories - the ugly, bitter moments where I thought I wasn't strong enough to even be seen walking to the bathroom across the hall, the six months where I thought I was too ugly for anyone to care, the wrongs that I committed, and the moments where I simply had to cry because there was no other emotion - I realize that it all meshes to create one picture, and that with my branching path, I've been wise enough to create a strong foundation.

Even when I didn't want to really be a part of the world and coexist with people who seemed to have everything from my skewed sense of perception, I never gave up hope. Quite frankly, I was far more okay with upsetting myself that I was with upsetting a friend. While it still bothers me to upset a friend, I've realized that ultimately, I've got to make myself happy.

I can now say that I'm in a place where I don't look in the mirror and want to go back to bed rather than face the world each morning. Yes, we all have mornings like this sometimes. Just not every morning.

Yesterday, for the first time in years, I looked into a mirror and actually smiled at what I saw. I may not be perfect, but I am me.

The journey has been tough, and I know that while I may have felt alone, I have regained self-love.

letting go.

numbness comes in waves
my hand feels naked
the groove is still there
the skin is soft - it soaks up tears
just more proof that life isn't fair.

it all seems useless.
the smiles, hellos,
the "good, how about you?"
the need to be with someone
but to still be alone.

even ben & jerry didn't change the mood.
i feel sick but i'm not hopeless.
how do you try so hard yet fail?

music haunts me because
you still sing along.
the rumors and bad people hit
like a horrid gale
just let me know if you need to talk
or yell
or cry

the last thing i want to do
is live the happy lie
but i have no desire to make you
or break you
or hate you
i am not going to hurt you
because as difficult as it is
to be true to my word, i know
that we each need to breathe

gather our thoughts
and muster the courage
to leave.

mental fortitude.

There's an unspoken type of strength that is often underestimated in life: the ability of an individual to not allow stress, pressure, or distraction to prevent them from achieving the goals and dreams. People who are easy to manipulate are often called "head cases" and it affects far more than their ability to perform a certain activity - it can eventually take over their life.

Everyone responds to the outside pressures and stresses of life differently. I have discovered that my personal reaction is to start to shut down and want to sleep all of the time. This is a change from stress eating, but at the same time, it does not help me to achieve. All it does is further stress me out, which plunges me deeper into the need for sleep. Often, I am sitting up at a random hour finishing (or even worse, starting) a project that is due in mere hours.

Realizing your weaknesses is a key to becoming stronger. Being open and honest about them only helps to assist others who may potentially have the same weakness but aren't quite as able to express themselves. They will eventually reach that stage, but for now, they need the time to realize their weaknesses, figure out their reactions, and then be able to talk freely...is all part of the process in finding a solution.

For me, my solution would be determination and a quality to-dominate list system. I have a chalkboard that I require myself to empty complete before the end of the night and then refill whenever I am gearing up to accomplish for the day. On my window is a series of Post-It notes where I scribble to-dominate items as they come to mind or as I am reading/responding to emails. Yes, you had better believe they are even color-coded. I'm OCD like that...they are also in groups of 4, but that's another long story. Whether intentional or not, my to-dominate lists are always written and accomplished in sections of 4.

How do you keep the outside pressures outside?

Are you a Cheerio or a Froot Loop?

This morning, I was busy stocking cereal while at work, and I grabbed 5 boxes of Apple Cinnamon Cheerios and 4 boxes of Froot Loops [don't ask me why I still remember 12+ hours later...obviously I need a life] in order to replenish the shelves.While I was ensuring that everything was FIFO'd, my boss came up behind me and asked the question that is today's blog post title: Are you a Cheerio or a Froot Loop?

I had no idea how to answer this question - also, it was right around 7am. My power of thought is rather absent at this hour. I still have no idea how to answer this question.

I need to get past my dislike of cereal. Perhaps that it is the problem.

When we do it, we do it right...

When I close my eyes and think about friendships that I truly treasure, and that I would sacrifice anything to preserve, one particular person comes to mind before anyone else. Admittedly, it took a fair amount of persistence on my part to get this individual to open up to me, let alone actually have a meaningful conversation. [I'm pretty sure they thought I was some creep who just actively stalked them on Facebook and Google Talk...which may be true, but that's a minor detail at this point.]

I never would have dreamed that we'd be talking daily, that they would constantly inspire me, and that they would trust me with their life. Likewise, I never thought there would be someone in my life who means as much as they do - honestly, when I have news to share, they are the first non-family member to find out without fail. Generally, they find out about major life developments before most of my family!

I'm not sure if they read my blog. Honestly, that doesn't matter. None of the little things in life matter until you have someone who can show you that anything and everything you do is precious to someone. Sometimes I feel as though I am overwhelming to folks, and my friendship with this individual has enabled me to become a better, more attentive listener who isn't focused on what comes next in the conversation, but rather, how everything ties together and how I can be there to listen, care, and love without a second thought.

Despite some of our more extreme differences, our friendship has grown stronger through every challenge or every bit of controversy that enters each of our lives. Conversations are never forced, and in accordance to our joint pet peeve, we always ensure that we do our best to say goodbye or good night in some way, shape, or form - rather than allowing the conversation to hang awkwardly with no real end.

I may not know their other closest friends, and they may not know mine, but all of our friends are aware of the powerful bond that we share as friends, and know that we cherish each other for everything we are and quite a few of the things that we are not. Someday, we shall get to know one another's friends, but as with all things in life, time and distance are unfortunate constraints.

To close - mostly so the person referenced throughout this blog post will know it is them without a doubt [I'm going to operate under the presumption they read my blog] - Puma Puma Pumaaaaaaaa. Muah! :D

An Empty Space

Individually, we all have this nasty tendency: we focus on the few things that aren't working out for us, and tend to blow them out of proportion. There are few things that I truly could complain about in my life, but as I type this, I realize that I spent the bulk of my Friday night wallowing in undeserved self-pity. Didn't really need to eat those Oreos, either, but it's a little too late for that thought.

One of the biggest things that I miss is having a fellow conversationalist in my life. I want to be able to talk about the deeper things in life - more than how someone's day is going, or what their plans are for the weekend - with someone who takes the time to actually make it into a proper discussion. For me to use the word "want" is a huge step in and of itself...my elementary years featured a slew of teachers who professed that we should use the phrase "would like", as wanting is considered rude.

At least a decade later, I believe they were wrong.

***
I realize this is a short post, and that I have not posted in quite some time, but the roller coaster that is life has definitely made blogging less of a priority that I would like in everyday life.