Go Your Own Way :)

I'm happier than I have been in a very long time. Honestly, I think this is the happiest I've been since I started college.

There.

Despite the very random experiences of the past few days of my life, I have to say that overall, I'm blessed. Unpredictable events? Absolutely. I WAS SPONTANEOUS.

For those of you who know me, you'll know why that is written in all caps. It's pretty significant. I'm not going to pour out every detail of the past few days - I do have my beliefs on keeping private things private - but I mainly wanted to prove that I don't live a rote life.

The Missing Link

Sometimes, you can be the one giving it your all. You can be pushing each and every moment, encouraging others to help, and doing your damnedest to just make it through the day, and someone has no idea.

We all live in our own little bubbles. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in making sure that we take the time to do everything that we look forward to doing, or even those things that we think will help make us more likable.

News flash: it's all bullshit.

The things that truly matter are things that are unpredictable. Compared to a few years ago, I would argue that I have actually become more emotional, although I have worked hard on learning how to mask my reactions. Why? Why should I have to hold back? Aren't my thoughts just as valuable as anyone else's?

Today I listened to someone talk me through this very conversation. A matter of years ago, I was in their shoes, asking the same questions, looking to a mentor of mine for advice. Their answer still resonates with me to this day.

"So often, we get tied up in making sure that we are being politically correct, that we are taking the time to show others that we care about them, that we are taking the time to ensure that we show others their worth. However, 99% of us haven't truly earned that worth. The 1% of individuals who have are generally those who have asked this question, realized that the answers they receive don't satisfy their thirst for knowledge, and then, when they least expect it, discover their answer, for no two people will have the same answer."

Each of us have thoughts that are valuable and deserve to be shared. The difference lies in how we choose to share, how others perceive you and your ways of communication, and most importantly, the satisfaction of knowing that you stay true to what you believe.

The missing link in this instance was confidence in myself. I still do things that scare me shitless, but I grow from them and realize that most of the hurdle preventing me from accomplishing previously was mental and of my own creation.

Destroy your hurdles and gain confidence in yourself.

Whoaaaaa

I've come to realize lately that I had no real idea of what I wanted to do with my life after this year, but after a great conversation with someone who I didn't know a calendar year ago but now would consider someone impossible to live life without, I believe I have a direction! While I don't want to nail down anything concrete yet simply because I am very much so still in the research stage, as well as working on my resume and starting to think about applications and cover letters, I do know that I am starting to be more and more excited about the realm of possibilities that await.

Here's the struggle, though. While it's great that I am starting to really figure out what it is I will do with my future after I finally end my undergraduate student career, I still need to make sure my focus is in the right place. I do have an incredible amount of trust placed in me by students from across the Midwest, and I also want to make sure that I take the time to do what it is that I came to college to do - be academically successful.

I'm not necessarily overenthusiastic about the academic world, but to be fair, I haven't gotten to take a class within my major in nearly a year. I'm discovering that while I do enjoy the topic, I don't necessarily have the aptitude to pursue a career in that area following graduation, and that I need to work toward my passions.

With all of the confusion above, and no real solutions, just rest your minds and know that I have managed to talk myself through quite the number of hoops and hurdles, and as always, my final decisions will not be made without plenty of consultation and understanding of the long-range implications. I am so blessed to have an amazing support network of individuals not only across the country, but even across the globe, and I hope that they can all take pride in helping shape me into the individual that I am today as I begin to prepare for the next crossroads in my life.

confessions of a twenty-something with a million directions

Every day, I question if I am doing what I really want in life. Do I want to go in this direction? I have the potential to go this way...let's explore for a bit. Indecisive might be my middle name for a while longer, but I have finally hit the point where I really need to figure out which direction I want to take, throw my passion in the right places, and really start to develop and make sure I've got the full persona for the future of my dreams.

Too many questions, too little time, and too little focus. I've got to pull it all together. Even the Iron Chef always has a secret ingredient...just have to wait for mine.

remembering...and regaining.

When you think back, sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it makes you smile, and sometimes you wistfully think about the people you once were able to surround yourself with and can no longer for a variety of reasons.

Recently, I have been blessed with many opportunities. As I think back and reflect about the path that I took - with its bright moments, the lifelong friends, and the memories that I will treasure - and dig a bit deeper into my memories - the ugly, bitter moments where I thought I wasn't strong enough to even be seen walking to the bathroom across the hall, the six months where I thought I was too ugly for anyone to care, the wrongs that I committed, and the moments where I simply had to cry because there was no other emotion - I realize that it all meshes to create one picture, and that with my branching path, I've been wise enough to create a strong foundation.

Even when I didn't want to really be a part of the world and coexist with people who seemed to have everything from my skewed sense of perception, I never gave up hope. Quite frankly, I was far more okay with upsetting myself that I was with upsetting a friend. While it still bothers me to upset a friend, I've realized that ultimately, I've got to make myself happy.

I can now say that I'm in a place where I don't look in the mirror and want to go back to bed rather than face the world each morning. Yes, we all have mornings like this sometimes. Just not every morning.

Yesterday, for the first time in years, I looked into a mirror and actually smiled at what I saw. I may not be perfect, but I am me.

The journey has been tough, and I know that while I may have felt alone, I have regained self-love.

letting go.

numbness comes in waves
my hand feels naked
the groove is still there
the skin is soft - it soaks up tears
just more proof that life isn't fair.

it all seems useless.
the smiles, hellos,
the "good, how about you?"
the need to be with someone
but to still be alone.

even ben & jerry didn't change the mood.
i feel sick but i'm not hopeless.
how do you try so hard yet fail?

music haunts me because
you still sing along.
the rumors and bad people hit
like a horrid gale
just let me know if you need to talk
or yell
or cry

the last thing i want to do
is live the happy lie
but i have no desire to make you
or break you
or hate you
i am not going to hurt you
because as difficult as it is
to be true to my word, i know
that we each need to breathe

gather our thoughts
and muster the courage
to leave.

mental fortitude.

There's an unspoken type of strength that is often underestimated in life: the ability of an individual to not allow stress, pressure, or distraction to prevent them from achieving the goals and dreams. People who are easy to manipulate are often called "head cases" and it affects far more than their ability to perform a certain activity - it can eventually take over their life.

Everyone responds to the outside pressures and stresses of life differently. I have discovered that my personal reaction is to start to shut down and want to sleep all of the time. This is a change from stress eating, but at the same time, it does not help me to achieve. All it does is further stress me out, which plunges me deeper into the need for sleep. Often, I am sitting up at a random hour finishing (or even worse, starting) a project that is due in mere hours.

Realizing your weaknesses is a key to becoming stronger. Being open and honest about them only helps to assist others who may potentially have the same weakness but aren't quite as able to express themselves. They will eventually reach that stage, but for now, they need the time to realize their weaknesses, figure out their reactions, and then be able to talk freely...is all part of the process in finding a solution.

For me, my solution would be determination and a quality to-dominate list system. I have a chalkboard that I require myself to empty complete before the end of the night and then refill whenever I am gearing up to accomplish for the day. On my window is a series of Post-It notes where I scribble to-dominate items as they come to mind or as I am reading/responding to emails. Yes, you had better believe they are even color-coded. I'm OCD like that...they are also in groups of 4, but that's another long story. Whether intentional or not, my to-dominate lists are always written and accomplished in sections of 4.

How do you keep the outside pressures outside?

Are you a Cheerio or a Froot Loop?

This morning, I was busy stocking cereal while at work, and I grabbed 5 boxes of Apple Cinnamon Cheerios and 4 boxes of Froot Loops [don't ask me why I still remember 12+ hours later...obviously I need a life] in order to replenish the shelves.While I was ensuring that everything was FIFO'd, my boss came up behind me and asked the question that is today's blog post title: Are you a Cheerio or a Froot Loop?

I had no idea how to answer this question - also, it was right around 7am. My power of thought is rather absent at this hour. I still have no idea how to answer this question.

I need to get past my dislike of cereal. Perhaps that it is the problem.

When we do it, we do it right...

When I close my eyes and think about friendships that I truly treasure, and that I would sacrifice anything to preserve, one particular person comes to mind before anyone else. Admittedly, it took a fair amount of persistence on my part to get this individual to open up to me, let alone actually have a meaningful conversation. [I'm pretty sure they thought I was some creep who just actively stalked them on Facebook and Google Talk...which may be true, but that's a minor detail at this point.]

I never would have dreamed that we'd be talking daily, that they would constantly inspire me, and that they would trust me with their life. Likewise, I never thought there would be someone in my life who means as much as they do - honestly, when I have news to share, they are the first non-family member to find out without fail. Generally, they find out about major life developments before most of my family!

I'm not sure if they read my blog. Honestly, that doesn't matter. None of the little things in life matter until you have someone who can show you that anything and everything you do is precious to someone. Sometimes I feel as though I am overwhelming to folks, and my friendship with this individual has enabled me to become a better, more attentive listener who isn't focused on what comes next in the conversation, but rather, how everything ties together and how I can be there to listen, care, and love without a second thought.

Despite some of our more extreme differences, our friendship has grown stronger through every challenge or every bit of controversy that enters each of our lives. Conversations are never forced, and in accordance to our joint pet peeve, we always ensure that we do our best to say goodbye or good night in some way, shape, or form - rather than allowing the conversation to hang awkwardly with no real end.

I may not know their other closest friends, and they may not know mine, but all of our friends are aware of the powerful bond that we share as friends, and know that we cherish each other for everything we are and quite a few of the things that we are not. Someday, we shall get to know one another's friends, but as with all things in life, time and distance are unfortunate constraints.

To close - mostly so the person referenced throughout this blog post will know it is them without a doubt [I'm going to operate under the presumption they read my blog] - Puma Puma Pumaaaaaaaa. Muah! :D

An Empty Space

Individually, we all have this nasty tendency: we focus on the few things that aren't working out for us, and tend to blow them out of proportion. There are few things that I truly could complain about in my life, but as I type this, I realize that I spent the bulk of my Friday night wallowing in undeserved self-pity. Didn't really need to eat those Oreos, either, but it's a little too late for that thought.

One of the biggest things that I miss is having a fellow conversationalist in my life. I want to be able to talk about the deeper things in life - more than how someone's day is going, or what their plans are for the weekend - with someone who takes the time to actually make it into a proper discussion. For me to use the word "want" is a huge step in and of itself...my elementary years featured a slew of teachers who professed that we should use the phrase "would like", as wanting is considered rude.

At least a decade later, I believe they were wrong.

***
I realize this is a short post, and that I have not posted in quite some time, but the roller coaster that is life has definitely made blogging less of a priority that I would like in everyday life.