Before I begin, I want to make it very very clear that I am not going to judge you if you have one and manage to TASTEFULLY show it in situations where your back is uncovered [say, while wearing a bikini or swimsuit suited to your figure, which may show that area of your body]. I am going to be disgusted if you are the person who purposely leans forward whenever possible or squats down for your shirt to ride up or your pants to show some crack in order to "impress" with your "badass tattoo" that serves solely to make you look like a dumbass.
"Going to the lake" is always an experience, regardless of who you go with and when you go. From ice skating in winter, to the sudden influx of "Skankapolis", to the chill nights with bonfires, to even the random run/hike with some new scenery, everyone knows what it's like, or can at least identify with certain times of year. Right now, the beginning of "Skankapolis" has struck at every lake throughout the United States, and will continue until approximately mid-July when these special people realize that there are no major holidays to celebrate and the city aquatic center membership they bought on a whim expires in about a month. After this point, the lake is blissfully peaceful for those who truly do go out in the rural areas for the PEACE and QUIET of nature, not the drunken whorefests of the less mature who are most likely trying to escape the critical eye of society, but once again failing miserably. It seems the only thing they don't fail would be pregnancy tests. [Okay, that might have been harsh. The truth does hurt.]
Back to the tramp stamp: these wonderful ideas - generally consisting of either a butterfly, string of flowers, or some Chinese symbols that looked pretty cool while they were drunk - mark a female right around her waistline in the back. They are worse than seeing asscrack, in my opinion, because she WILLINGLY allowed and PAID for someone to 'permanently' mark her [Removal would be a wise choice...insert string of obscenities. You'll have to road trip with me to hear me at my finest.]. If nothing else, these should serve as a warning or better understanding of the past for any potential suitors. Nothing else could scream "I watch more MTV, drink more bitch beer, and dance on tables/chairs/any elevated surface more than any other *&%&$ alive" more clearly.
Unfortunately, many of these individuals fail to realize that these "additions" are far from attractive, and will go out of their way to show off and expect you to exclaim over how cool their excessively cliche ink is. Stop! If we simply ignore these horrifyingly disfiguring marks upon the human flesh, we will [hopefully] educate upcoming adult members of society that they are nothing more than a waste of time and an easy way of marking yourself as undesirable.
Note: I refrained from posting pictures of this since NO ONE who can access this blog is immune to the horrifying impact that tramp stamps have had on the population. I mean, I can only put so much scum on my blog before something awful happens.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Sunday, May 30, 2010
douchebags: so laughably funny until you realize they don't know better.
As you can guess, this is an issue that is gripping America - and the rest of the world, I would assume, but cannot guarantee since I have not personally witnessed - and something needs to be done. The land of popped collars [please, do NOT wear multiple shirts with collars], flip-flops with the bottle opener in the bottom, nasty toenails [yes, I notice], and the hole-filled jeans that you bought that way rather than actually work and make them that way are enough to make every girl want to stab you with the nearest object that looks like it could cause damage.
Before we begin this story, it is important for us to make sure we have the same definition for "douchebag" in mind, so here is the official verdict from Urban Dictionary:
Obviously, I could continue endlessly with this fun. Urban Dictionary provides me with over 25 fun pages to define this one curse upon society alone.
The kicker: this particular douchebag was in our local Hy-Vee, which seems to cater to these creatures with pre-packaged "homemade" dinners. His purchases: a meatloaf dinner, and a GIANT box of condoms. Wow. Whoever is allowing this guy to put his penis in them needs to be shot on sight, because they have terrible taste. While I suppose this particular douchebag should be given kudos for buying the ultra-huge package of condoms, this only intensified my hatred for him as I began the cycle of an allergic reaction. There's a reason I avoid the "[oh shit I don't really want a] family planning" section of every store.
The only photo I was able to attempt to obtain sent my phone into a tizzy of hatred, and it immediately shut itself off. Smart phone. Since I can't provide an image of the dumbass who spent $9 on a meatloaf dinner alone, I took the liberty of finding a very well-defined image to assist you in spotting the douchebags in your life.
Please read, learn, and educate those around you so we can save society from these blemishes that occur. If you realize that you fall under these definitions, you can recover yourself and still be a productive and accepted member of society if you begin to change immediately and drastically.
To close: some more images that I found, and had to post. You understand; education is key.
Before we begin this story, it is important for us to make sure we have the same definition for "douchebag" in mind, so here is the official verdict from Urban Dictionary:
- someone who has surpassed the levels of jerk and asshole, however not yet reached fucker or motherfucker. Not to be confused with douche.
- An individual who has an over-inflated sense of self worth, compounded by a low level of intellegence, behaving ridiculously in front of colleagues with no sense of how moronic he appears.
- A person with a shitty personality that needs to "take themself the fuck down" or "go home and get their fucking shine box." A douchebag usually assumes the form of a hair-gelling pretty-boy but can also be described as an overzealous, pompous, or vexatious asshole that most people wish were killed with a Mortal Kombat fatality
- The term "douchbag" generally refers to a male with any number of characteristics not associated with one particular region or age demographic. Douchebag is a combination of attitude qualities, social ability, and attire.
In terms of geography douchebags can be found nearly anywhere. For instance, douchebags can be seen in New Jersey where fake diamond earrings, frosted spiked hair, Razor phones, half a can of Axe, unbuttoned collared shirts, Fossil watches, overly groomed chinstraps, backwards colored Yankee hats with the sticker still attached and 2002 Mustangs are considered "tight." At the same time douchebags are also plentiful in the Southwest where on any given Wednesday night on frat row in Tempe you can find males who find it "sweet shit" to wear pink collared shirts, while donning the following attire: pukka-shelled necklaces, fake skater shoes, have some variation of an Asian symbol tattoo on their shoulder or back, wear a Hurley hat that sits cockeyed on their head, throw various fake gang signs during pictures and drive their dad's old white 1997 convertible M3 BMW. They also generally find the length of time one drinks while doing a "keg-stand" directly correlates with the amount of pussy one can get.
As mentioned douchebags transcend not only various geographical locations, but age demographics as well. For instance, douchebags are quite often seen just south of Sarasota, FL as evidenced by 45 year old men who still wear Oakley's, shave their chests, wear shirts that read "ride" on the front and "me" on the back, and think its cool to wear white K-Swiss'. They are usually on first name basis with the girls at Hooters, and think white T-shirt contests with 1/2 half-off Margaritas are better than a baseball game with $1 beers. At the same time, we can see young 21 year old douchebags in West L.A. who still think that Dolce Gabana belt buckles, and fo-hawks are "pimp shit."
In terms of behavior douchebags have an over-inflated sense of self worth, lack the social ability to interact with non-douchebags, and have tricked their minds into thinking that they "get mad pussy." The irony is that they very rarely get pussy, but amazingly have the amazing propensity to talk quite often about allegedly getting it.
Obviously, I could continue endlessly with this fun. Urban Dictionary provides me with over 25 fun pages to define this one curse upon society alone.
The kicker: this particular douchebag was in our local Hy-Vee, which seems to cater to these creatures with pre-packaged "homemade" dinners. His purchases: a meatloaf dinner, and a GIANT box of condoms. Wow. Whoever is allowing this guy to put his penis in them needs to be shot on sight, because they have terrible taste. While I suppose this particular douchebag should be given kudos for buying the ultra-huge package of condoms, this only intensified my hatred for him as I began the cycle of an allergic reaction. There's a reason I avoid the "[oh shit I don't really want a] family planning" section of every store.
The only photo I was able to attempt to obtain sent my phone into a tizzy of hatred, and it immediately shut itself off. Smart phone. Since I can't provide an image of the dumbass who spent $9 on a meatloaf dinner alone, I took the liberty of finding a very well-defined image to assist you in spotting the douchebags in your life.
Please read, learn, and educate those around you so we can save society from these blemishes that occur. If you realize that you fall under these definitions, you can recover yourself and still be a productive and accepted member of society if you begin to change immediately and drastically.
To close: some more images that I found, and had to post. You understand; education is key.
Friday, May 28, 2010
the old me is dead and gone
In the past year, I have went through a great amount of change, and as a result, I am a completely different person with a different way of thinking. I may not reflect this immediately in how you perceive my actions [for those of you who have known me longer] but anyone who didn't know me seems to think automatically that I am a very assertive person.
I was that kid who sat in the corner and prayed no one would ever call on me. I cried at the smallest thing that went wrong, and hated anything less than perfection. I was that annoying kid who always knew the answer and had my hand waving in the air. You know, that kid that everyone else prays just shuts their mouth so the rest of the class can be dismissed or so that the topic can change, because no one else cares.
It is not that I don't care, just that I have become a very different type of learner in the past few years, as well as a different person when it comes to interactions. Getting away from where I went to high school was quite possibly one of the best choices in my life, as it forced me out of my shell and made me realize just how annoying people must have thought I was...sorry about that, if anyone who remembers me from those days happens to be reading this.
Three years ago, I was one of the most passive people you could ever meet. I'm still pretty indecisive a lot of the time, but experiences that I have had during my first three years here at Northwest have really helped me grow as an individual. Falling in love, having my heart broken, and the jagged healing is a key portion of this. A movie comes to mind where a man's heart was all sorts of jagged, while the other's was smooth...the man with the very strange, jagged heart was healthy and happy on the outside, with no medical concerns and looked fantastic. The other man, who you would think would have the healthier heart, was actually suffering from several disorders and was also suffering slowly from a breaking heart since there was nothing to keep it all together.
I like to think of it as a very interesting patchwork quilt, and I thank all of you for being some part of my quilt, because you make feel feel warm/fuzzy/important, and I appreciate it. :)
I was that kid who sat in the corner and prayed no one would ever call on me. I cried at the smallest thing that went wrong, and hated anything less than perfection. I was that annoying kid who always knew the answer and had my hand waving in the air. You know, that kid that everyone else prays just shuts their mouth so the rest of the class can be dismissed or so that the topic can change, because no one else cares.
It is not that I don't care, just that I have become a very different type of learner in the past few years, as well as a different person when it comes to interactions. Getting away from where I went to high school was quite possibly one of the best choices in my life, as it forced me out of my shell and made me realize just how annoying people must have thought I was...sorry about that, if anyone who remembers me from those days happens to be reading this.
Three years ago, I was one of the most passive people you could ever meet. I'm still pretty indecisive a lot of the time, but experiences that I have had during my first three years here at Northwest have really helped me grow as an individual. Falling in love, having my heart broken, and the jagged healing is a key portion of this. A movie comes to mind where a man's heart was all sorts of jagged, while the other's was smooth...the man with the very strange, jagged heart was healthy and happy on the outside, with no medical concerns and looked fantastic. The other man, who you would think would have the healthier heart, was actually suffering from several disorders and was also suffering slowly from a breaking heart since there was nothing to keep it all together.
I like to think of it as a very interesting patchwork quilt, and I thank all of you for being some part of my quilt, because you make feel feel warm/fuzzy/important, and I appreciate it. :)
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
you know how sometimes you feel better after you vom? well, this is my attempt.
To tell you the truth, I am rediscovering love and happiness and all of the emotions that accompany that roller coaster. It is been a difficult six months, and knowing that a significant other has been absent in my life during some of my biggest changes and challenges has been a struggle. I have turned to friends and family to help mend a broken heart. Complications have occurred because I sensed that in my hour of need, I was being “abandoned” by those close to me as they pursued their own happiness and just assumed that I would be okay. I struggled to find a sense of acceptance, and I know that certain friends were definitely there for me to talk to me as I let other things go in order to heal myself, even though I was committed to ensuring that several projects and tasks were successfully completed.
Heading into finals week in the fall trimester as a newly single woman was interesting. Changing various financial aspects of my life, resetting all of my passwords, and striding into the world again as a truly independent unit in all senses was a bit scary. For the bulk of my college experience, I had a significant other who I had pledged to spend the rest of my life with as a married woman. I honestly had started to plan a wedding and we’d talked about all of the things a couple thinking about spending the rest of their lives together would talk about. The most demanding week of the year intellectually was also one that really stretched my emotional and psychological well-being as well, and I turned to a counselor because I was dealing with a lot of confusion and was afraid of slipping into a depression with all of the negative things that were becoming commonplace in my life.
The ending of the fall trimester became official with my dad coming to Maryville for the second-time ever to pick me up along with whatever it was I thought essential to take home for a month. My new van, Jack-Jack, was the man in my life. We bonded over gravel roads, some slick icy conditions, and a bit of a snowstorm, as well as a shopping spree [okay, I should mention that I am not the biggest fan of shopping 99.9% of the time] and a few other educational experiences made the holiday break quite interesting. Being surrounded by my family who is highly supportive of me and knew that I was struggling to maintain a calm and constructed attitude, my parents started to urge me to look for something to delve further into and become more involved – not as an effort for me to forget the past relationship, but rather to give me something new to get excited about. Their intentions were good, and I had been strongly considering bidding for a Regional Board of Directors position within MACURH. After reading the list of positions and their responsibilities to my mom, she immediately said that I should go for the recruitment and retention position. It was an interesting choice, because I was not sure that I was a strong enough candidate given the few shortcomings that I knew would be brought up in a boardroom situation, but she convinced me to push my concerns aside and let the region make the choice after watching me present the strong side of myself that she knew simply needed to come out from hibernation. In January, I packed everything back up within Jack-Jack [so much room! It honestly looked like I had nothing!] and drove the trek back to Northwest Missouri State determined to get the ball rolling on the bidding process and procuring institutional support. As with every time that I drive to Maryville, I drive directly past Independence, and I always struggle when I see the exit signs that are oh-so-familiar after several trips to see his family and several other experiences of getting lost within KC.
I eventually made it to Maryville as the snow really started coming down. The last 30 miles [as always, the longest part of the drive since you always really really have to pee and there is nowhere to stop that is not absolutely creepy] seemed to be never-ending as it was one-lane cleared and the fastest anyone was willing to go was 30mph. As I parked the van, I did not care whether or not I was in my lines…regardless, I could not see them anyway because of all of the snow on the ground. The bitter cold temperatures [yes, I went to school in the Arctic Circle] and the warnings playing over the radio to minimize the amount of time one spent outside due to extreme wind chills played through my head as Jack-Jack came to a rest in the smallest, most crowded parking lot possible prior to the return of everyone else to Northwest. I am pretty sure that this is what broke the spirit of Jack-Jack, for he never ran the same again. [Yes, I know. 1989 is NOT a new vehicle, and I should have expected a few problems. I just did not expect the epic level of problems that I had throughout the spring semester.]
As an honest person, I went immediately and purchased a parking permit even though the snow would not uncover my windshield until spring break and no one would have been any wiser as to whether or not a sticker was affixed to the lower passenger corner of my windshield. The wind chills of -45 did not stop my trek to the Administration Building to take care of this immediately, nor did it stop me from choosing to unload all of my belongings immediately upon return to Jack-Jack with his new Bearcat green bling. The last of his belongings were left in Jack-Jack, simply because I could not bear to look at them within my room. I tore down each and every reminder of him, completely rearranged my room again [since that was one of the last things we did together was move my room around] and threw away trash bags of items that held too strong of memories to keep around. I kept a few things, simply because you cannot just throw away one of the biggest mistakes of your life, but also because I still value them and know that I cannot cut myself off completely from the past.
I poured a lot of energy into school, work, and extracurricular activities. Building a bid suitable for presentation at a regional conference took up a lot of the time that I would have probably otherwise spent pining for the past or doing something else equally foolish. Making sure that my last trimester as RHA president was successful as well as encouraging individuals to run for the position also took up quite a chunk of time as I wanted to make sure that I left a positive lasting legacy for the next group of executive officers to adopt and adapt to their own goals, aspirations, and hopes for RHA. I picked up all sorts of shifts at work simply because I did not want to think about what else could have been done over the weekends – like going out to dinner, or cuddling up and watching a movie, or simply spending time together with a significant other. I clearly was not ready to spend time with anyone else, and I know that while it probably also was not the best choice to sequester myself, I needed to heal in my own time as an individual unit rather than by relying solely upon others to help me through the rough times. I grew nervous as I was running opposed for the position I was fortunately elected to, and began to get super-excited for the future.
However, other demands on my time were not about to go anywhere else anytime soon. RHA programming was picking up, tests/finals/papers/midterms/classwork/projects and everything else that could possibly be thrown at me did come my way as I was taking 18 credit hours during one of my busiest semesters thus far. I threw myself into several different projects and also crafted a campaign for the secretary position of a large student organization on campus which proved to be highly successful in bringing out the vote, questioning my level of personal integrity [I passed this test when I reported that my opponent who later did win the election by a narrow margin was not present on the initial ballot], helping students better understand their levels of representation and the abilities they have to get involved, and appointment to various cabinet positions within organizations on campus. Accomplishing all of my GPA goals for the semester was a huge sigh of relief, as I had truly been challenged and stretched to the breaking point with more projects and tasks than ever before added to a semester that featured all graduate level courses. From learning more about my views about various topics within human sexuality to expanding my knowledge of the nations of the Pacific, the spring trimester proved to challenge me. I struggled within some of my classes, but the important part is that I never gave up.
Jack-Jack left me over spring break as he lost the will to go on. He died approximately 5 miles outside of Maryville, and my mother proved her unwavering dedication to me with her 18-hour roundtrip expedition in her new car to come and get me for the week. Jack-Jack was towed back to campus by quite possibly the friendliest tow-truck driver ever, who gave me a rather steep discount considering just how awful of a day that I had and the obvious hysterics that I had pulled myself together from as I tried to keep calm and think positively about spending another 7-8 hours in Maryville. As my mom inched her way to Maryville and risked her life in the treacherous conditions, I had a rather interesting night consisting of chicken quesadillas, chocolate chip cookies that I baked for the trip home, cherry Kool-Aid, and a trip to Wal-Mart with 3 of the guys that I work with who live in Maryville. Jack-Jack sat in Maryville throughout the week until my dad hauled Ol’ Betsy [the Taurus] up to Maryville so I could swap with Jack-Jack. To my extreme frustration, my dad quickly and easily started Jack-Jack with very little effort [at least Jack-Jack ran long enough to be pulled on the trailer without using the winch so all I had to do was sit in the truck and hold the brakes]. My dad then turned to drive the six hours home with Jack-Jack in tow as I adjusted to life in Maryville with a car. I love Ol’ Betsy dearly and truly do feel at home now as I have driven back and forth a few times as well as around Maryville quite a bit.
The weeks after spring break are short, go quick, and often feel as though they do not exist as finals spring upon students who are generally underprepared and think that cramming is going to help them out enough to maintain or improve their grades. I spent the bulk of spring break working on paper and projects since I am very aware that April is a month that has absolutely no free time with all of the activities that occur in order for school to conclude by the start of May. Between elections, transitional retreat, transitioning out of the position of RHA president which I held officially for two years, programming with RHA exec for the highly successful Block Party and our annual banquet, making sure that I had everything completed, and of course all of the academic requirements that occur within courses that demand more since they are built for graduate students slammed me at a time in which I was trying to make sure that I had my summer living situation all planned out. The various stressors and struggles that take place at the end of the year to most college students definitely gave me a new direction to focus my thoughts and actions.
By the time that summer came around, I was given quite a bit of free time since I have not had any success in finding a summer job to keep me busy and create an income despite applying nearly everywhere and having several interviews that made it deep into the employment process. On the bright side, I have passed each and every single drug test that I have been subjected to as a result of interviewing with various companies and corporations. Looking forward to various things has helped make life a bit better. Knowing that I am going to be reunited with the coolest people in the nation [especially those within MACURH] for a week has helped to make everything a bit better, and I know that counting down until my 21st birthday [which also coincidentally marks the end of summer vacation] has made life interesting. I started to allow myself to start to think about things, what I am truly looking for in the future, and just how much I have grown as a woman.
Without the support of some very understanding friends, some of whom do not realize that I simply needed to talk to them in order to feel accepted and appreciated for my efforts but still did all that they could to be positive influences. Apparently I did a great job of not plastering my feelings and relationship history out there where the rest of the world could freely see and gossip about what was going on, and there are those who are still unaware of anything that has occurred within the last year of my life. The lines from the ring that I proudly wore for over a year are finally starting to disappear, although I know that the invisible weight of it still makes me feel a bit uncomfortable at times.
The morals and beliefs that I have had throughout my life have helped shape me into the responsible young woman that I am today. No one lives a life without struggles, but I tend to place my heart out there on the line to be mangled and destroyed by others far too easily, and I feel that I might have retracted myself too far from society and being able to develop bonds without worrying about the possible bad consequences, since those are out of my control unless I choose to make poor decisions, which is unlikely the majority of the time. I struggled to commit portions of this to text, because it felt a bit ridiculous to bring up the past, but without a proper understanding of the past, I cannot work to build a strong future for myself, which is something I need with all of the great opportunities to really help build a strong foundation for new opportunities. Rebuilding with a positive attitude has been a huge help. The strong friendships that have grown throughout this trimester since I have been able to dedicate more time to friends have proven to mean quite a bit to me, although I am realizing that very few of my friendships are with females. Am I condemned to a lifetime of being the friend? I am just rediscovering love, and recently had the confidence to be straightforward with the boy that has consumed my thoughts throughout the past few months. Let us just sit back and see where this roller coaster of a heart that I seem to have takes me next – I can promise you one thing, and that would be that the ride is never smooth when it comes to matters of the heart, and I do not think I would want to have it any other way given how much I have grown as a person over the past six months.
Heading into finals week in the fall trimester as a newly single woman was interesting. Changing various financial aspects of my life, resetting all of my passwords, and striding into the world again as a truly independent unit in all senses was a bit scary. For the bulk of my college experience, I had a significant other who I had pledged to spend the rest of my life with as a married woman. I honestly had started to plan a wedding and we’d talked about all of the things a couple thinking about spending the rest of their lives together would talk about. The most demanding week of the year intellectually was also one that really stretched my emotional and psychological well-being as well, and I turned to a counselor because I was dealing with a lot of confusion and was afraid of slipping into a depression with all of the negative things that were becoming commonplace in my life.
The ending of the fall trimester became official with my dad coming to Maryville for the second-time ever to pick me up along with whatever it was I thought essential to take home for a month. My new van, Jack-Jack, was the man in my life. We bonded over gravel roads, some slick icy conditions, and a bit of a snowstorm, as well as a shopping spree [okay, I should mention that I am not the biggest fan of shopping 99.9% of the time] and a few other educational experiences made the holiday break quite interesting. Being surrounded by my family who is highly supportive of me and knew that I was struggling to maintain a calm and constructed attitude, my parents started to urge me to look for something to delve further into and become more involved – not as an effort for me to forget the past relationship, but rather to give me something new to get excited about. Their intentions were good, and I had been strongly considering bidding for a Regional Board of Directors position within MACURH. After reading the list of positions and their responsibilities to my mom, she immediately said that I should go for the recruitment and retention position. It was an interesting choice, because I was not sure that I was a strong enough candidate given the few shortcomings that I knew would be brought up in a boardroom situation, but she convinced me to push my concerns aside and let the region make the choice after watching me present the strong side of myself that she knew simply needed to come out from hibernation. In January, I packed everything back up within Jack-Jack [so much room! It honestly looked like I had nothing!] and drove the trek back to Northwest Missouri State determined to get the ball rolling on the bidding process and procuring institutional support. As with every time that I drive to Maryville, I drive directly past Independence, and I always struggle when I see the exit signs that are oh-so-familiar after several trips to see his family and several other experiences of getting lost within KC.
I eventually made it to Maryville as the snow really started coming down. The last 30 miles [as always, the longest part of the drive since you always really really have to pee and there is nowhere to stop that is not absolutely creepy] seemed to be never-ending as it was one-lane cleared and the fastest anyone was willing to go was 30mph. As I parked the van, I did not care whether or not I was in my lines…regardless, I could not see them anyway because of all of the snow on the ground. The bitter cold temperatures [yes, I went to school in the Arctic Circle] and the warnings playing over the radio to minimize the amount of time one spent outside due to extreme wind chills played through my head as Jack-Jack came to a rest in the smallest, most crowded parking lot possible prior to the return of everyone else to Northwest. I am pretty sure that this is what broke the spirit of Jack-Jack, for he never ran the same again. [Yes, I know. 1989 is NOT a new vehicle, and I should have expected a few problems. I just did not expect the epic level of problems that I had throughout the spring semester.]
As an honest person, I went immediately and purchased a parking permit even though the snow would not uncover my windshield until spring break and no one would have been any wiser as to whether or not a sticker was affixed to the lower passenger corner of my windshield. The wind chills of -45 did not stop my trek to the Administration Building to take care of this immediately, nor did it stop me from choosing to unload all of my belongings immediately upon return to Jack-Jack with his new Bearcat green bling. The last of his belongings were left in Jack-Jack, simply because I could not bear to look at them within my room. I tore down each and every reminder of him, completely rearranged my room again [since that was one of the last things we did together was move my room around] and threw away trash bags of items that held too strong of memories to keep around. I kept a few things, simply because you cannot just throw away one of the biggest mistakes of your life, but also because I still value them and know that I cannot cut myself off completely from the past.
I poured a lot of energy into school, work, and extracurricular activities. Building a bid suitable for presentation at a regional conference took up a lot of the time that I would have probably otherwise spent pining for the past or doing something else equally foolish. Making sure that my last trimester as RHA president was successful as well as encouraging individuals to run for the position also took up quite a chunk of time as I wanted to make sure that I left a positive lasting legacy for the next group of executive officers to adopt and adapt to their own goals, aspirations, and hopes for RHA. I picked up all sorts of shifts at work simply because I did not want to think about what else could have been done over the weekends – like going out to dinner, or cuddling up and watching a movie, or simply spending time together with a significant other. I clearly was not ready to spend time with anyone else, and I know that while it probably also was not the best choice to sequester myself, I needed to heal in my own time as an individual unit rather than by relying solely upon others to help me through the rough times. I grew nervous as I was running opposed for the position I was fortunately elected to, and began to get super-excited for the future.
However, other demands on my time were not about to go anywhere else anytime soon. RHA programming was picking up, tests/finals/papers/midterms/classwork/projects and everything else that could possibly be thrown at me did come my way as I was taking 18 credit hours during one of my busiest semesters thus far. I threw myself into several different projects and also crafted a campaign for the secretary position of a large student organization on campus which proved to be highly successful in bringing out the vote, questioning my level of personal integrity [I passed this test when I reported that my opponent who later did win the election by a narrow margin was not present on the initial ballot], helping students better understand their levels of representation and the abilities they have to get involved, and appointment to various cabinet positions within organizations on campus. Accomplishing all of my GPA goals for the semester was a huge sigh of relief, as I had truly been challenged and stretched to the breaking point with more projects and tasks than ever before added to a semester that featured all graduate level courses. From learning more about my views about various topics within human sexuality to expanding my knowledge of the nations of the Pacific, the spring trimester proved to challenge me. I struggled within some of my classes, but the important part is that I never gave up.
Jack-Jack left me over spring break as he lost the will to go on. He died approximately 5 miles outside of Maryville, and my mother proved her unwavering dedication to me with her 18-hour roundtrip expedition in her new car to come and get me for the week. Jack-Jack was towed back to campus by quite possibly the friendliest tow-truck driver ever, who gave me a rather steep discount considering just how awful of a day that I had and the obvious hysterics that I had pulled myself together from as I tried to keep calm and think positively about spending another 7-8 hours in Maryville. As my mom inched her way to Maryville and risked her life in the treacherous conditions, I had a rather interesting night consisting of chicken quesadillas, chocolate chip cookies that I baked for the trip home, cherry Kool-Aid, and a trip to Wal-Mart with 3 of the guys that I work with who live in Maryville. Jack-Jack sat in Maryville throughout the week until my dad hauled Ol’ Betsy [the Taurus] up to Maryville so I could swap with Jack-Jack. To my extreme frustration, my dad quickly and easily started Jack-Jack with very little effort [at least Jack-Jack ran long enough to be pulled on the trailer without using the winch so all I had to do was sit in the truck and hold the brakes]. My dad then turned to drive the six hours home with Jack-Jack in tow as I adjusted to life in Maryville with a car. I love Ol’ Betsy dearly and truly do feel at home now as I have driven back and forth a few times as well as around Maryville quite a bit.
The weeks after spring break are short, go quick, and often feel as though they do not exist as finals spring upon students who are generally underprepared and think that cramming is going to help them out enough to maintain or improve their grades. I spent the bulk of spring break working on paper and projects since I am very aware that April is a month that has absolutely no free time with all of the activities that occur in order for school to conclude by the start of May. Between elections, transitional retreat, transitioning out of the position of RHA president which I held officially for two years, programming with RHA exec for the highly successful Block Party and our annual banquet, making sure that I had everything completed, and of course all of the academic requirements that occur within courses that demand more since they are built for graduate students slammed me at a time in which I was trying to make sure that I had my summer living situation all planned out. The various stressors and struggles that take place at the end of the year to most college students definitely gave me a new direction to focus my thoughts and actions.
By the time that summer came around, I was given quite a bit of free time since I have not had any success in finding a summer job to keep me busy and create an income despite applying nearly everywhere and having several interviews that made it deep into the employment process. On the bright side, I have passed each and every single drug test that I have been subjected to as a result of interviewing with various companies and corporations. Looking forward to various things has helped make life a bit better. Knowing that I am going to be reunited with the coolest people in the nation [especially those within MACURH] for a week has helped to make everything a bit better, and I know that counting down until my 21st birthday [which also coincidentally marks the end of summer vacation] has made life interesting. I started to allow myself to start to think about things, what I am truly looking for in the future, and just how much I have grown as a woman.
Without the support of some very understanding friends, some of whom do not realize that I simply needed to talk to them in order to feel accepted and appreciated for my efforts but still did all that they could to be positive influences. Apparently I did a great job of not plastering my feelings and relationship history out there where the rest of the world could freely see and gossip about what was going on, and there are those who are still unaware of anything that has occurred within the last year of my life. The lines from the ring that I proudly wore for over a year are finally starting to disappear, although I know that the invisible weight of it still makes me feel a bit uncomfortable at times.
The morals and beliefs that I have had throughout my life have helped shape me into the responsible young woman that I am today. No one lives a life without struggles, but I tend to place my heart out there on the line to be mangled and destroyed by others far too easily, and I feel that I might have retracted myself too far from society and being able to develop bonds without worrying about the possible bad consequences, since those are out of my control unless I choose to make poor decisions, which is unlikely the majority of the time. I struggled to commit portions of this to text, because it felt a bit ridiculous to bring up the past, but without a proper understanding of the past, I cannot work to build a strong future for myself, which is something I need with all of the great opportunities to really help build a strong foundation for new opportunities. Rebuilding with a positive attitude has been a huge help. The strong friendships that have grown throughout this trimester since I have been able to dedicate more time to friends have proven to mean quite a bit to me, although I am realizing that very few of my friendships are with females. Am I condemned to a lifetime of being the friend? I am just rediscovering love, and recently had the confidence to be straightforward with the boy that has consumed my thoughts throughout the past few months. Let us just sit back and see where this roller coaster of a heart that I seem to have takes me next – I can promise you one thing, and that would be that the ride is never smooth when it comes to matters of the heart, and I do not think I would want to have it any other way given how much I have grown as a person over the past six months.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
The potential of getting lost scares me more than talking to a random clerk in a questionable gas station.
Just think about it.
Such a strong phrase.
You know, try it sometime.
You might like it.
Your noggin will thank you.
[as will I.]
Such a strong phrase.
You know, try it sometime.
You might like it.
Your noggin will thank you.
[as will I.]
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Happiness
The bruises and scratches serve to define experiences that are unforgettable. Each imperfection has a story, each scar a painful reminder that life will never be quite the same. Sometimes it's difficult, because everyone else doesn't understand why one would be upset over the imperfections. I used to be very upset whenever I scarred or bruised and would do everything in my power to cover it up until it disappeared. However, I realized this was shallow some time ago.
Whenever one is bruised up by life on the outside, the key is that the growth to repair will come from within. I don't take people quite as seriously as I used to when they talked about physical appearances, although let's face it, I do want to be able to see you've heard of personal hygiene. I truly and honestly care more about your personality.
Let's take a break and define a few key words here. I want to make sure we're all on the same page.
*experience - The wisdom that enables us to recognize an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced. [The Devil's Dictionary, Ambrose Bierce]
*shallow - A person who cannot access the imaginative, creative, understanding, emotional part of their brain. Shallow people are brainwashed by the media, they can't think for themselves. They tend to like Hilary Duff, Britney Spears, and mainstream rap and the little mainstream rock that is played. They serve no purpose to this earth. Their future holds long lines of angry customers that want their hamburger, and the words "we love to see you smile". [www.urbandictionary.com]
*hygiene - The main factor in how close people are willing to stand next to you in any given situation. [www.urbandictionary.com]
*personality - how you act how you think how you look how you feel basically its you inside and out........ [www.urbandicionary.com...okay, so they approved THIS but not the fantastic definition for Phase 10?!?!]
Okay, now that everyone realizes what I'm trying to refer to here, let's move on from the boring stuff. People don't know what they want or what's going to happen tomorrow or even five minutes from now. All we know is that we've got to find a reason to live through each and every day, some sort of purpose.
My friends are in different relationship stages. Some, like myself, are single. Others are dating [happily or not, figure that part out for yourself]. Others are engaged or getting married. Some are married and have a whole happy family to come home to each and every night. Does it seem a bit unfair sometimes? Yes. However, I'm not ready for a family. I'm not even sure I'm ready to commit to another person. Being single does have its perks, yes. Being in a relationship also has its perks.
Much of my college career thus far was spent dating one person. We thought we were in love, we had it all, blah blah blah. However, we grew apart and fortunately realized it before things got any more complicated and have since split. It's been a difficult healing period, since he was there for me through so many of my first steps as an adult away from my family, and I his.
Happiness isn't whether or not you're dating someone. It's not even if your outfit looks great, or if your television show is on tonight. Happiness is the feeling you have when you feel like you've got too much energy to contain, that you can't manage to stay still, and that despite the challenges and controversy that are sure to come your way, you end each day knowing that the next will be fantastic.
So...ask yourselves: are you happy? Do you have a sense of purpose for each and every day, no matter how small or unimportant it may seem? Don't compare what you do with others, for they have their own purposes and reasons behind their actions. Think about what your goals are, and also how you reward yourself for each and every bit of progress along the way. Sometimes, it's difficult for us to accept that we need to be our own biggest cheerleader, and let those friends who want to make a positive impact have their say. Let them cheer you on and be supportive.
Find a song that just makes you sing the lyrics out loud. Preferably something happy, but whatever works for you. Find whatever it is that gets you motivated, and stick with it. Everyone has something great to bring to this world.
Whenever one is bruised up by life on the outside, the key is that the growth to repair will come from within. I don't take people quite as seriously as I used to when they talked about physical appearances, although let's face it, I do want to be able to see you've heard of personal hygiene. I truly and honestly care more about your personality.
Let's take a break and define a few key words here. I want to make sure we're all on the same page.
*experience - The wisdom that enables us to recognize an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced. [The Devil's Dictionary, Ambrose Bierce]
*shallow - A person who cannot access the imaginative, creative, understanding, emotional part of their brain. Shallow people are brainwashed by the media, they can't think for themselves. They tend to like Hilary Duff, Britney Spears, and mainstream rap and the little mainstream rock that is played. They serve no purpose to this earth. Their future holds long lines of angry customers that want their hamburger, and the words "we love to see you smile". [www.urbandictionary.com]
*hygiene - The main factor in how close people are willing to stand next to you in any given situation. [www.urbandictionary.com]
*personality - how you act how you think how you look how you feel basically its you inside and out........ [www.urbandicionary.com...okay, so they approved THIS but not the fantastic definition for Phase 10?!?!]
Okay, now that everyone realizes what I'm trying to refer to here, let's move on from the boring stuff. People don't know what they want or what's going to happen tomorrow or even five minutes from now. All we know is that we've got to find a reason to live through each and every day, some sort of purpose.
My friends are in different relationship stages. Some, like myself, are single. Others are dating [happily or not, figure that part out for yourself]. Others are engaged or getting married. Some are married and have a whole happy family to come home to each and every night. Does it seem a bit unfair sometimes? Yes. However, I'm not ready for a family. I'm not even sure I'm ready to commit to another person. Being single does have its perks, yes. Being in a relationship also has its perks.
Much of my college career thus far was spent dating one person. We thought we were in love, we had it all, blah blah blah. However, we grew apart and fortunately realized it before things got any more complicated and have since split. It's been a difficult healing period, since he was there for me through so many of my first steps as an adult away from my family, and I his.
Happiness isn't whether or not you're dating someone. It's not even if your outfit looks great, or if your television show is on tonight. Happiness is the feeling you have when you feel like you've got too much energy to contain, that you can't manage to stay still, and that despite the challenges and controversy that are sure to come your way, you end each day knowing that the next will be fantastic.
So...ask yourselves: are you happy? Do you have a sense of purpose for each and every day, no matter how small or unimportant it may seem? Don't compare what you do with others, for they have their own purposes and reasons behind their actions. Think about what your goals are, and also how you reward yourself for each and every bit of progress along the way. Sometimes, it's difficult for us to accept that we need to be our own biggest cheerleader, and let those friends who want to make a positive impact have their say. Let them cheer you on and be supportive.
Find a song that just makes you sing the lyrics out loud. Preferably something happy, but whatever works for you. Find whatever it is that gets you motivated, and stick with it. Everyone has something great to bring to this world.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
I'm Not Myself Tonight
As a matter of fact, I'm not sure of the last time I was truly myself. I feel like I'm always holding something back, or keeping a secret, or on the verge of some mysterious new happening. The one thing I do know is that I've managed to become a more positive person in spite of all of the questions and negativity that life throws my way.
It's been a difficult struggle. Sometimes I think life was simpler when I was negative about things and didn't truly look forward to them. However, I know that I was also lessening the potential impact that I could have on my own life as well as the lives of others who I care about. We all go through those hurdles that makes life a struggle sometimes, and while it may seem that the deck sure is stacked against some folks, the key is to remember that you are never alone.
I contemplated life, its meaning, and far more today. It seems strange to say that I did all of this while thinking about all of the second chances that I've been granted. Thank you to those of you who have and always will believe in me, and to those of you who always push me to strive for my potential.
I am a person who will ask questions, who enjoys playing devil's advocate, and always analyzing and contemplating future interactions. I have to visualize the prize, as cheesy as it may sound. If I can't close my eyes and picture myself doing something, it's a struggle, but the imagination sure is a powerful thing, especially when you consider that you never seem to judge something while you're imagining it, only before and after.
The biggest thing that I have worked on in the past year is how to visualize myself in different roles, and this is something that I'm going to continue to develop in the next year. There are so many different aspects of being a leader that I want to pass on, but at the same time, it's not always my place to do so. I have some great mentors who have truly helped me to better understand how to take what I see and act upon it appropriately rather than allowing me to play with fire and suffer the consequences. Being able to talk about the things that are on my mind, even with those who completely disagree with me, has been refreshing. It is nice to talk to another person who has been in similar circumstances and has persevered despite the odds.
Summer life gives much time to thought, and I have really started to learn quite a bit about myself, think through how I want to be perceived in all that I do, and also how valuable some of the friendships that I have developed thus far in my college career truly are to me. I wish there were words to explain how much some people mean to me, but I'm afraid that I'll never be able to truly let them know how influential they have been upon me in key points where I simply needed someone to be there for me. Some of you know who you are, others might not understand where I am coming from or see their role in my life as minimal. Variety is the spice of life, and I wish that I could bring you all together to meet one another...because that would be one amazing group of people. :)
It's been a difficult struggle. Sometimes I think life was simpler when I was negative about things and didn't truly look forward to them. However, I know that I was also lessening the potential impact that I could have on my own life as well as the lives of others who I care about. We all go through those hurdles that makes life a struggle sometimes, and while it may seem that the deck sure is stacked against some folks, the key is to remember that you are never alone.
I contemplated life, its meaning, and far more today. It seems strange to say that I did all of this while thinking about all of the second chances that I've been granted. Thank you to those of you who have and always will believe in me, and to those of you who always push me to strive for my potential.
I am a person who will ask questions, who enjoys playing devil's advocate, and always analyzing and contemplating future interactions. I have to visualize the prize, as cheesy as it may sound. If I can't close my eyes and picture myself doing something, it's a struggle, but the imagination sure is a powerful thing, especially when you consider that you never seem to judge something while you're imagining it, only before and after.
The biggest thing that I have worked on in the past year is how to visualize myself in different roles, and this is something that I'm going to continue to develop in the next year. There are so many different aspects of being a leader that I want to pass on, but at the same time, it's not always my place to do so. I have some great mentors who have truly helped me to better understand how to take what I see and act upon it appropriately rather than allowing me to play with fire and suffer the consequences. Being able to talk about the things that are on my mind, even with those who completely disagree with me, has been refreshing. It is nice to talk to another person who has been in similar circumstances and has persevered despite the odds.
Summer life gives much time to thought, and I have really started to learn quite a bit about myself, think through how I want to be perceived in all that I do, and also how valuable some of the friendships that I have developed thus far in my college career truly are to me. I wish there were words to explain how much some people mean to me, but I'm afraid that I'll never be able to truly let them know how influential they have been upon me in key points where I simply needed someone to be there for me. Some of you know who you are, others might not understand where I am coming from or see their role in my life as minimal. Variety is the spice of life, and I wish that I could bring you all together to meet one another...because that would be one amazing group of people. :)
Sunday, May 16, 2010
aye-aye, cap'n!
My title today is to poke some fun at my physical appearance. I would love to thank the balloon-happy folks at the Missouri Academy for allowing me to discover what I would look like if I were a seasoned pirate. I suppose I should also thank Campus Dining for calling me to work Catering, as well as myself for needing the money...
I'm in a photo-taking mood, and right now, the weather in Maryville is not supportive. It LOOKS like the promised buckets of rain will begin to fall from the skies at any given moment, and something about staying inside where it is warm and dry is so much more appealing. However, there aren't things inside that I really want to take photos of seeing as I'm still figuring out exactly how I'm going to work this whole living out of storage bins concept.
Still keeping fingers crossed on the job hunt. Interviews have been taking up a lot of my time, but so far, no success. However, I don't give up easily, and have continued to hunt despite several letdowns. SueAnn, we might just end up living together for a few months if your friends in Lincoln call me!!! Keep your fingers crossed if that's what you want ;)
To continue with the random topics present in this post, I need to decide what to make for dinner. Suggestions? I do enjoy cooking for myself - not so much the cleaning part, but it's part of the deal. There is nothing like relaxing in a clean apartment, though...
As a temporary inductee into the "Worst-Looking Pirates of All Time Hall of Fame" [yes, I just made that up, so I suppose that I'm the founder as well], I should probably go sleep a bit more and ice my face again to help out with the swelling. The nice color scheme has went away, but I would like to look normal at some point in the very near future!
To close this random jumble of thoughts, I suppose I should decide upon a time to depart from my current location and start walking...I am enjoying the peace and quiet minus the person behind me who can't seem to stop sneezing. Congrats to all of my friends who are graduating or have graduated...I wish I could be there to cheer for all of you at each and every graduation, but it's just not possible. :( I'm looking forward to hearing about all of the great things that you do with your futures, and hope that I'm still a part of whatever future you have. :)
I'm in a photo-taking mood, and right now, the weather in Maryville is not supportive. It LOOKS like the promised buckets of rain will begin to fall from the skies at any given moment, and something about staying inside where it is warm and dry is so much more appealing. However, there aren't things inside that I really want to take photos of seeing as I'm still figuring out exactly how I'm going to work this whole living out of storage bins concept.
Still keeping fingers crossed on the job hunt. Interviews have been taking up a lot of my time, but so far, no success. However, I don't give up easily, and have continued to hunt despite several letdowns. SueAnn, we might just end up living together for a few months if your friends in Lincoln call me!!! Keep your fingers crossed if that's what you want ;)
To continue with the random topics present in this post, I need to decide what to make for dinner. Suggestions? I do enjoy cooking for myself - not so much the cleaning part, but it's part of the deal. There is nothing like relaxing in a clean apartment, though...
As a temporary inductee into the "Worst-Looking Pirates of All Time Hall of Fame" [yes, I just made that up, so I suppose that I'm the founder as well], I should probably go sleep a bit more and ice my face again to help out with the swelling. The nice color scheme has went away, but I would like to look normal at some point in the very near future!
To close this random jumble of thoughts, I suppose I should decide upon a time to depart from my current location and start walking...I am enjoying the peace and quiet minus the person behind me who can't seem to stop sneezing. Congrats to all of my friends who are graduating or have graduated...I wish I could be there to cheer for all of you at each and every graduation, but it's just not possible. :( I'm looking forward to hearing about all of the great things that you do with your futures, and hope that I'm still a part of whatever future you have. :)
Thursday, May 13, 2010
That moment of hesitation before you jump into Double Dutch...
Life as of late has been interesting. Getting hit by a car while out running, actually getting to spend time with Brother Bob, and just trying to bring a little sunshine into the cloudy world of Maryville definitely takes its toll as I continue to apply for jobs, go to interviews, and attend class.
I find solace in cleaning. Katie, I hope you realize that your apartment is going to be spotless by August if I have anything say about it...
...it's goin' down...sorry, random song lyric that came out of someone's mp3 as they were walking by, and I might have started to dance since there is no one around despite the Union being a public place...
Bucket List Update: oh wait, I've never posted it here. Regardless, I have one more item to cross off - being hit by a car. This was NOT on purpose. Jogging on campus is dangerous business, especially when you add inattentive drivers into the equation. However, I met a really friendly person and the experience was definitely one I'll get to tell my grandkiddos about someday.
Now...I'm not sure if I can do it, but I do have until Tuesday to really think out this educational philosophy, so I am going to at least try to jot down some notes while struggling with this new concept of writing a paper in first person...
I find solace in cleaning. Katie, I hope you realize that your apartment is going to be spotless by August if I have anything say about it...
...it's goin' down...sorry, random song lyric that came out of someone's mp3 as they were walking by, and I might have started to dance since there is no one around despite the Union being a public place...
Bucket List Update: oh wait, I've never posted it here. Regardless, I have one more item to cross off - being hit by a car. This was NOT on purpose. Jogging on campus is dangerous business, especially when you add inattentive drivers into the equation. However, I met a really friendly person and the experience was definitely one I'll get to tell my grandkiddos about someday.
Now...I'm not sure if I can do it, but I do have until Tuesday to really think out this educational philosophy, so I am going to at least try to jot down some notes while struggling with this new concept of writing a paper in first person...
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