My blog sucks.

Recently, I have realized that despite the encouragement of my friends to continue writing, my blog sucks. It's not really interesting, people don't really care about my personal life minus all of the details, and quite frankly, I find myself typing just to have something to do besides study or be a good student.

I feel that I am not alone in facing this problem. I do have friends who knock my blog out of the water with their quality as well as their entertainment value. However, I'm probably not the person to try to compare to such high levels of amazingness. I try to branch out, to be different, and to challenge myself to not accept the norm. However, this comes with a price that I am sometimes unwilling to pay - the price of personality, or at least the little bit that I need to make it through life. Someone has to be prickly. :P

I find that much of what I do seems to shock people, or at least seriously shake up their perceptions that they have of me. I don't fit in a box or a shape, but that I am free to do whatever and be who I want.

The "Teacher/Test" Conspiracy

I am convinced beyond a doubt that teachers/instructors/professors have this wonderful time where they get together in order to schedule tests in order to be as highly inconvenient as possible. While I understand that each instructor has the same time span to work with [for the sake of this post, a semester], I don't feel that it's essential for such a massive number of tests to be scheduled immediately prior to a week-long vacation. Yes, as someone going into the education field, I understand that it's impossible to expect students to retain knowledge from lectures after a Spring Break involving who knows what, but at the same time, those who are legitimately doing all that they can to study and work hard deserve to not have to stress about a high magnitude of tests.

Thank goodness for papers to help resurrect my grades, because at this rate, I'm going to be lucky to have the ability to write by Thursday afternoon, which is definitely going to serve to make Friday interesting as well...

Filling the Void

Most people can sense when there is something wrong, or if someone is holding something back. However, they don't have the best ways of asking [assuming they are polite about their quest for information] to find out what is wrong. Some will even tell you that they aren't in the mood to talk, and then refuse to acknowledge your presence. It's difficult enough for me to share my thoughts and feelings with someone else, and this is only amplified when people are far too nosy or forceful in trying to find everything out. If I want you to know what is going on, then I will tell you. I might not give you every detail, but it's not necessary for you to know everything regarding my life in order to live. Trust me. I don't know everything about you, nor do I have any desire to find out for myself.

So yes, there is a bit of a void since I don't have someone to talk to about some of the things that I am going through. There are very few people that I feel comfortable enough to unload my baggage with, and those people aren't necessarily the most accessible people in the world. Like myself, they keep ridiculously busy in hopes of being able to ignore the voids that are present within their own lives. By no means am I friendless, but I don't have that best friend who knows everything. It was difficult enough to open myself up to a significant other, only to have everything that I thought destroyed and devalued.

I just erased two paragraphs to create a void.

It's difficult to understand the story of another if you're not willing to take the time to build trust.

Oh my.

It's been one crazy day. No reasonable person would have done all of this to themselves, but I did get to see a lot of people that I am lucky to see once or twice a week and have conversations with them, plus I even somehow managed to get some laundry done, which is a huge accomplishment.

I should realistically be sleeping right now, since I work in a few short hours, but...once again, I find that sleep is definitely not interested in being my friend. Let's hope for the best, because I know that my alarm clock is already the recipient of more than one glare that would make someone cry.

Spring break is pretty close. Woo. I'm not really sure what my thoughts are on that...mostly because I have so much that I need to accomplish. My goal is to get the bulk of my remaining schoolwork completed during that time. So...yes, my face is going to most likely be plastered in a book or I will be typing away on one paper or another in order to meet the early deadlines. Thankfully, I have already started reading quite a few of the books that I will be typing over, so that helps. I've just got an unnaturally large number of tests that stand in the way of a long drive home.

I also need to start packing things up...I think that is the plan for this weekend, since otherwise I don't really have time. I am looking forward to starting to condense everything and get the stuff that I don't really use packed away for a while again so I can go through it at some point over the summer.

It's time to unwind and get myself in a sleepy state...goodnight, world.

..."creativity currently eludes me, but not the desire to write"...

It's a difficult conundrum. Speaking of that word, I remember typing it a lot with good ol' "Me Want Bacon" [Mavis Beacon, for those of you who don't understand my middle-school sarcasm]...but I digress. The differences between knowing what you would like and being able to attain that seem to be quite broad, at least for myself at the moment. I know exactly what I would like, but have no idea as to what to do to obtain it. Everything I try seems to NOT work, and in fact, has probably served only to push everything further away from reality.

I know dreams, hopes, and desires are a good thing. However, I don't feel that I should have to deal with all of this just so I can maybe possibly get a portion of what I want. It's been a month since someone has given me a hug. Anyone. Am I really that anti-people?

How did I slip so far into this world of confusion, questioning, and a lack of answers? All I know is that I don't like it here.

"Are you concerned?" ..."I'm concerned."

Consider this an intervention of sorts. Despite how busy everyone is, despite the fact that you feel you absolutely MUST. KEEP. GOING. no matter what, and how you are determined that all of the lists and tasks will effectively be checked away with a small pen or pencil mark despite several hours of work on each task. Wait. How is that fair? I don't want to make it take forever simply to accomplish a task, and then my only satisfaction is a minor motion that really doesn't mean much to anyone else.

Personal satisfaction. Despite the fact that everything might be hitting you all at once, and that you think that you simply cannot go on, you must know that you are above all dependent upon yourself. It's difficult to say no, to quit adding the tasks that you could delegate to others on the list, to allow for others to have a little slice of the responsibility. Trust. This is something I'm working on, as I do think everyone has a tendency to not take advantage of those who are willing to work and produce - sometimes, the best product that you could possibly have is NOT self-designed, but rather, one where you have collaborated with another, let them have buy-in to the solution, etc.

Sounds nice, but first you have to let go of the reins, and be okay occasionally riding and not knowing which direction you're going to find yourself going. Good luck.