humidity. sweltering.

Memo to Katy Perry: It's definitely hot enough to melt a solid block of ice. Forget that pesky Popsicle already.

As you may have guessed, the weather in Maryville is once again my topic that I have found blog-worthy. Normally, you're taught to only talk about the weather if there is nothing else to talk about. However, I feel challenged by every blistering ray of sunlight that makes my skin adopt a red tint. The sparse clouds in the sky show no mercy from the sun, much as the wintry weather of Maryville shows no mercy. The readjustment from Arctic Circle to Equator has taken place now that it is officially summertime according to the calendar.

Of course, with the sunny and gorgeous-looking days [never judge a book by its cover!] comes the trek of hundreds to attend SOAR daily. As a glutton for punishment, I work for Campus Dining and have said yes to several days of working catering for these events. You cannot begin to imagine how much work is involved in a single day of SOAR from the food side of things.

My feet hate me. Between all of the walking involved with a conference and working catering, my feet are covering in blisters and scars and all sorts of non-festering wounds. I would get around to re-doing my pedicure, but I just don't see the point given that the rest of my feet look quite horrific.

A Brief Synopsis

One thought continues to run through my mind. 

"We are legit."

It scares me a bit. 

I wonder what it is I should be doing.

I think that I've got a good grasp on it.

I strain against the dark of the unknown. 

Knowing I'm not alone,

Despite feeling otherwise, 

Creates a unique sense of challenge.

I want to be in complete control.

I don't want to have to jump in 

and have to deal with the consequences

and choices of others.

I struggle to maintain a sense of self

A sense of belonging, 

plus the confidence that I can

do all that I have before me and more.

The endless summer sun

makes me believe

that as long as I stay positive

that no matter what happens

I can continue to roll with the punches

and smile through the tears. 

I can make any thought I have reality.

Together we can make this happen.

However, you need to open up. 

It's difficult to understand what direction

you want me to take 

when you only speak 

to contradict.

I love you dearly

and have grown with you

for the past few years. 

However, despite the public perception

you've pushed me further away

distanced yourself even more

and refrained from explanation. 

Plague #5: Rejection in Form Letters and Applying for Unemployment

Date: [be sure to date a week late, since promptness is our middle name, and you 

know the intern who is Bob's son forgets to drop off the mail at least twice a week]

Dear ____________ [insert failure at existence here, since they can't even get a job flipping burgers.]
   After careful consideration [okay, about 30 seconds] of your application [you know, the epic you wrote us about your life, complete with every personal detail needed to steal your identity in case our business goes under], we [although these letters only have one signature?] have decided to hire another applicant. [Fantastic. Glad to know I wasted time and money.] We will keep your application on file for ## of days/weeks/months [You mean, wait for Bob's son the intern to shred it whenever he gets his head out of his ass.] and will be in contact with you [We've already forgotten your name] in case of any openings that may occur [and you have our full permission to begin to pity them at your earliest convenience.].
    Once again, thank you for your interest [ha! You just want a paycheck, sucker!] in our company.
 '
Sincerely,
[I'm too lazy to sign my name. Stamp it, Bob's son the Intern.]
[Some officer or executive, or at least a manager]

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Obviously, by this point, you can tell that I've been racking up quite the collection of job rejection letters. This doesn't take into account the folks who are kind enough to make a call or send an email rather than making you wait the week or so for the letter to make it your way assuming that they are prompt in making a decision.

Whoever writes these form letters should be fired, and then they should hire me. I mean, between jobs and relationships, I've definitely got a resume filled with rejection.
********************************************
Applying for unemployment is quite the interesting process. I love how very very specific the questions are, and then how very stingy the state of Missouri happens to be. I spent 2 hours on the phone with a "claims adjustment specialist" because they couldn't understand how I was making a living on my job that I have during the school year. I thought it was a pretty good question myself...but then I thought of student loans.

I advise having a LOT of patience, enjoying craptastic hold music, and a lot of comfort food nearby to make it through the process. Just thinking about it makes me want to start baking up a storm...            
*********************************************
I wonder how many trees have been killed in denying employment to Americans...just think, it's probably enough to forest over the entire state of Minnesota. It could be Timber Stadium instead of Target Stadium. ;) Just kidding! but seriously, Kansas and Nebraska could use a few trees...                                                                  

Plague #4: Hair

Yes. I'm going there. From that annoying single dark hair that seems to think it's perfectly at home growing on your chin, to the infuriating mass of hair atop your head [if you have any], hair frustrates all of us. We straighten, curl, scrunch, spray, condition, brush, pin, yank, twist, and do everything imaginable just in hopes of attaining an unrealistic hairstyle.

No, I'm not talking about the other hair on your body. It's not my business what your legs/armpits/whatever else you choose to shave looks like, and I don't want to know. This is [for once] going to be a PG post, rather than the typical obscenity-filled rant about whatever it is that I feel the need to write about. Therefore, we're going to stick to the hair on your head, meaning your eyebrows yes, mustache/beard [yes - male, no - female], and whatever length of hair it is you have in your scalp.

• Eyebrows: Unibrows are NOT and will NEVER be attractive. Buy a tweezers, wax, something! Also, if your eyebrows look like a potential forest fire in the making from lack of upkeep, that's a problem. Some people do look good with bushier eyebrows [typically guys, although some girls can rock it], but for the majority of us, it's a look we should avoid, because it looks like your face has been invaded by a couple of furry caterpillars. Define 'upkeep' however you choose - just make sure it's more frequently than once a season.
• Nose hair. Trim that shit. Okay, so this just went downhill, but nothing will gross me out faster than dark hairs sticking out from your nostrils.For the guys out there, it is NOT acceptable for these hairs to just 'merge' themselves into your mustache.
• That random chin hair [on a female] - I'm a victim of this just as much as the next lady, but you know, leave it to a young child who can get away with saying something ridiculous in public to point out that there is a really really LONG hair coming out from your chin. Pluck it and keep an eye out...those suckers keep coming back to embarrass you at the most inconvenient times. 
• Beards [on females] are just wrong, unless you're in the circus and completely content with your life.
• Beards [on males] can take on a plethora of forms...all I ask is that you maintain whatever facial hair festival you are willing to parade around with on your face. You take care of your beard, your partner will know that you will take care of them as well. 
• Mustaches [on females] happen. Bleach it, shave it, whatever. Just take care of it somehow, unless, once again, you are in the circus and completely content with your life.
• Mustaches [on males] can take on a lot of different forms. Personally, I think these are hit-and-miss. Some people look right with a mustache, others should probably go find their razor. Also, mustaches can be overdone, and this can create issues because then your partner wonders if you're more concerned about your facial hair than about their well-being.
• Scalp hair [on males] varies from the shaved head, the buzz cut, the spiky look, the "I just got electrocuted" look, the long and shaggy look, the "my hair is longer than most females" to the "I just roll out of bed and don't own a brush" look. Whatever it is, ask someone in your life who you trust with fashion advice and see what their thoughts are. For all of the fashionistas out there - save a male with bad hair. In some drastic cases, you might just host a scavenger hunt to see what you're going to find.
• Scalp hair [on females]...where to begin?! It seems that no matter what our own hair is like, we're always longing for our hair to do something else, to look like someone else's, or to simply cooperate. On the very rare day it does cooperate, the weather decides to play tricks and ruin that small success. Once again, maintenance is key. If you're going to fry your hair by straightening it daily, then make sure you're conditioning. Want the perfect curly hair? Make sure you comb it so it's not one mass eating the rest of your face. 
• My last point is in terms of era: Please, please, PLEASE leave the bad hair days of the 1980s behind. Some of you have moms [or are those moms] who think that they are hip because their hair 'feathered perfectly' or they managed the puffball of bangs look which was just FINE prior to combing the shit out of it.

Okay, so this is just the surface of my thoughts on this plague against society. For those of you asking, right now my hair is down, curling in at the ends, and being very cooperative. I sense a nice downpour in the near future...or at least another epic case of Maryville wind tunnels to wreak havoc. 

Sidewalks: avoid them.

Today, as with nearly every other time I trek the few blocks to campus, I walked. It's always a nice walk, and sometimes the weather even cooperates and makes me feel like it's going to be a great day. Today was one of those days. The sun was shining, birds were singing [well, except the one I stepped over], I could hear someone whistling, and the folks who always have the most interesting conversations talked about what they would be grilling tonight. Today they threw a kink in my eavesdropping and talked entirely in French!

Regardless, I was walking along on the sidewalk because it was muddy everywhere else, and there was a cute little sparrow in the middle of the sidewalk just chirping and singing and being all kinds of cheerful. Awesome, right? I didn't realize this cute little birdie was singing so adamantly in the middle of the sidewalk for a reason: to warn me of the danger ahead.

As I walked past that plucky little sparrow, who proceeded to hop after me and continue singing away in an even shriller tone, the bushes to my right began to tremble. I didn't think anything of this...I mean, it's Maryville. The wind is constantly blowing, so limbs are typically swaying. I should have caught on to the fact that the wind was NOT blowing for a strange change of pace.

Out pops this strange black cat that looks pissed off because I interrupted its hunt for breakfast. I saved that little sparrow, but wasn't in time for its pal. This cat decides to go psycho on my ankle/foot, but fortunately only scratched me and then ran off quickly. Regardless, I still went and made sure that I didn't pick up rabies from the angriest black cat I've ever seen...and considering how many cats my grandma had, that's saying something.

The moral of this strange story is to avoid sidewalks when the sparrow tells you to do so. Never doubt the shrill song and its unwillingness to move. They do look out for you, whether you think it or not.

Most uttered words in Maryville: "Let's go to Wal-Mart!"

Setting: Maryville...quite possibly just like every other college town in that most students are GONE. Those that remain typically fall into one of the three generalizations below, feel free to rant if you're offended:

• Professional drinkers. These fine folks still need to work a bit on hiding their amazing drinking abilities/dependency on alcohol from Mommy and Daddy, so they are being "responsible" and working throughout the summer on some summer classes. *wave bullshit flag here* Realistically, these are the people who bring in the water bottle with 'flavored water' to your class.
• Legitimately studious people. These are the people who have ink on their noses, are concerned that their 99.9% isn't good enough, and wouldn't dream of being less than 30 minutes early to class. Once you manage to get them away from their books, they are pretty entertaining folks...
• Everyone else. They mix their studying and their fun, often with passing results. They aren't complaining.

Now that we've developed our setting, it's time to insert the weather. In case you are unaware, Maryville attracts only the undesirable whenever you realize that you're out of food, need to replenish your alcohol supply in your apartment, want to go out to the lake, etc. Last night, for example, it POURED and HAILED in what can only be referred to as the Monsoon of Maryville. I would tell you whether or not anyone drowned, but I was busy enough trying to stay afloat myself that I'm not too sure of anything [might also have something to do with the hail that hit me in the head]. Baseball-sized hail is not cool. 

Of course, this is when I am actually watching one of the very few shows I do watch. Glee was interrupted at least 40 gazillion times by weather updates and alerts, so I basically got to see someone's face on screen, and then had to pray that the alerts would land during the commercials. No such luck. I'll be re-watching later. 

As soon as the clock struck 9, we [yes, I have friends.] decided to go to Wal-Mart. We probably should have looked a bit more closely out the window first. By the time we made it from the door to my friend's car about 20 feet away tops [which was parked much much closer than mine], we were soaked to the skin.I was secretly pretty thankful that I was not the one driving, and it was quite creepy to realize that half of the town was without power, including Wal-Mart. As the dry vessel containing the two of us proceeded to turn around and go to Hy-Vee we looked around to realize just how close Hy-Vee was to also not having power. Luckily had power and everything she needed. 

By the time we had shivered our way through the exceptionally chilly Hy-Vee and my feet developed blisters from my flip-flops, we went back out into the swimming pool of Maryville.Small limbs and some massive hailstones were splayed throughout the town, and we shook our heads over the whole reason for this particular trip to Wal-Mart/Hy-Vee:

ONE GREEN PEPPER...and I hate peppers.

Of course, after all of these adventures, I still had to walk to my car, which I had parked hella far away and it had been sunny and 85 when I did so. Now it was about 11pm, and I fell 3 times on my way. Not because I am clumsy [which I am], but because of the very deceiving puddles with slick bottoms. I have a very lovely knot on top of scars on my right knee. I want to get an "out of service" sign to put there...because it hurts like crazy. The walk and drive proved fairly uneventual besides my horrible slip-n-slide abilities, and I was thankful to change out of those wet/freeze dried/wet clothes.

I think I hate green peppers even more. 

Plague #3: Intexicated Drivers spurred on by Textual Satisfaction

Sadly, I even fall under this plague upon society, but I promise that I reforming. Life would be so much simpler if I had a DT [designated texter] with me at all times while I drove. In case you haven't heard the term or guessed, intexicated drivers are those who text and drive, often with little regard to their surroundings.


While I should not defend such behavior, as it is dangerous, I do want to point out that there are drastic differences in the types of roads that a person could be driving on: from the 234982347 lane interstates that seem to never be quick and simple to drive through around massive cities to the one lane dirt roads that begin to restore your faith in humanity and you think it's a miracle to have reception on with your phone to begin with.


I have found that I personally am far less likely to speed while texting and driving, and seeing as I don't have cruise control, that's quite the feat. I don't type away on my full keyboard while I'm surrounded by traffic in the mass and panic of a city. Red lights - acceptable. You're at a complete stop and not going anywhere for a while. While passing someone - NOT acceptable. While alone with no one for miles around - acceptable, but you better be able to type without looking at the keys. Otherwise, get that phone out of your hands.


I was recently reading the Springfield News-Leader [which was free when I purchased another tank full of gas - woot, I might as well kill trees AND the air we breathe in one stop, thank you Kum & Go] and the Opinion section was about this topic. While they weren't quite sophisticated enough to refer to "intexicated drivers" by their proper name, they DID provide me with one very comical fact that makes me question why such a law was made in the first place: 28 people have been ticketed or fined for this offense in the slightly more than 2 years it has been a law. That's slightly more than 1 person a month, for a state boasting a population that is just about to hit 6 million. RIDICULOUS. Additionally, the largest-growing group in the population is the Baby Boomer generation, not the teens and young adults targeted unfairly by this law. Would it make just as much sense if the law was only applied to another age group, say the "30-36 year-old age bracket"? Absolutely not. They would be throwing the same pissy fit that you're seeing teens throw [only, not as well-rehearsed and full of youthful energy] and then defy the law anyway. Knowing this, it seems ridiculous that a law can be selectively enforced based upon age and generalizations such as "less experience driving". Let's give that wacko soccer mom with her umpteen kids in tow a phone to manage on top of the madness of the minivan she's surely driving as fast as possible in order to minimize how much time she spends with those children in the cooped up space. Great idea.


The current law includes the ability to fine a driver up to $200 and to also put the offense on the driver's record. Based upon the statistics above, the state of Missouri had netted $5,600. Given our current economic situation, and how much it costs to keep a patrol car on the roads, are we really using our money/time/resources wisely? Of course not. If people want to text and drive, let them. It's an adult choice, much like driving somewhere, and if you don't want teens to text and drive, perhaps you should reconsider the current driving formula and how old someone has to be prior to obtaining a driver's license. I suggest this solution simply because I'm older. ;)