Sunday Thoughts

For this graduate student, Sundays are a precious day for preparation for the upcoming week. I assess my planner for its preparation for the following weeks, complete homework, knock out the smaller tasks I can do, and often feel a little bit like Superwoman. Now that it's fall, this routine is accompanied with the sounds of football in the background throughout the afternoon and evening.

One thing I've noticed is the hours seem to fly by when I am preparing for the upcoming week. I don't chastise myself if I am sucked in by an impressive play. I don't criticize myself when I somehow manage to line one of my hands up incorrectly on the keyboard. I don't get upset at myself when I struggle with addition and subtraction while balancing my checkbook. For some reason I have yet to understand, I am most patient with myself on Sundays.

This patience is something I should carry forward to the rest of the week. Really. I have a short fuse, and know it. I believe one of the reasons I am most patient on Sundays is my weekly quest to write out a thank you card to someone who has influenced me positively in the past week.

Patience is a virtue. Or so it goes.

the bucket list

It seems so simple - write down a list of things you know you want to do sometime in your life, and then set about making sure to take time for the extraordinary in the midst of all the ordinary. The picture of Homer Simpson and his bucket list (perhaps a bit literal, but nonetheless, it's a list!) showcases some of the things which give pleasure for Homer to seek, along with a little bit of a dose of reality at the end.

Friends tell me they've written down their bucket lists, and it's apparently wise to tackle a lot of the list while young. I can remember sitting around with groups of student leaders as enthusiastic conversations were held comparing bucket lists. I generally stayed silent during these conversations. 

Confession: I've never actually committed my bucket list to any sort of written form. I may say something is for sure on the list, but I have no written way to recall the events I've deemed of importance. This is by choice.

Ultimately, I believe life is experience-rich and despite being a strong Type-A personality with a to-dominate list at nearly all times on the ever-trusty legal pad, a color-coded planner, and a love for organization, I cannot bring myself to write down a list of "dream things to do", more commonly known as a bucket list. If a dream is strong enough, I believe it will stay with me until it is accomplished. If an experience is meant to be, opportunity will exist. 

I know that on occasion, you need to create your own opportunity in order to move forward. I am not saying I am one to sit around and knit afghans and dream up my Crazy Cat Lady collection while waiting for opportunity to present itself. First, I can't knit (well). Second, I don't even like cats. The Type A in me wants research and facts prior to commitment. When a new potential experience comes to mind, research is there to help me understand WHAT about the idea fascinates me. Perhaps I am interested in skydiving because of the sense of actually seeing all - well, this would translate elsewhere in life and teach me to be more patient and understanding of others in order to see all in another sense. Perhaps I am interested in singing karaoke on a cruise ship (done, surprisingly...) because of knowing exactly no one except who you travel with beyond hellos. Checking things off (or crossing them out, if you prefer) seems a bit impersonal for items one has deemed "must happen during their lifetime". I believe my perception of the impersonal nature comes from my list-making ways in other facets of life. 

I do not write this post to squash the dreams and bucket lists of my friends. Rather, I write it to explain why I choose not to keep a bucket list, but rather to seek out opportunities as they are possible. I believe everyone approaches life in their own way and values their approach most when able to verbalize why. 

Published. Whoaaaaaaa...

The word 'published' is a bit incredible when you're embracing it for the first time.

Sure, lots of things are published each and every day. I hit a pretty orange button that says 'Publish' at the end of typing a blog post. You'd think the word would be desensitized to me, much as it is to many I know.

Have you ever sat down and discussed a design concept? A color scheme? The font family to be used? Or do you just trust that your "typical settings" will do the job?

Once you've made those minor decisions which seemed intense, there's just a little task looming on the horizon: content.

How does one KNOW what to write about next? How do you know your writings will be pertinent? Is anyone actually going to read what you have to write? Questionable, at best.

I realize this seems incredible cynical, but the reality is the written word is valued only as much as each person chooses to value it. While some will never read anything more complex than a restaurant menu in their everyday life, others choose to immerse themselves in Tolstoy or Steinbeck. Others will never send a written letter through the mail when a Facebook message or an email suffices given the demand of instant gratification when it comes to information transfer.

When is the last time you valued what you wrote?
When is the last time you seriously contemplated what it means to be 'published'?

I admit, I was right there with what I suspect is the majority opinion: Almost never, although there was that one time...

One time? You mean to tell me you learned how to write in order to only ever write one meaningful thing?

However, stepping back and taking a moment to reflect and consider what is important regarding the written word has shown me the potential of the written word. While I don't fool myself into thinking my personal blog is heavily trafficked by tons of interested readers, I do believe in the importance of writing something meaningful and thought-provoking.

It IS a big deal to be published in any form, especially when experienced for the first time. Embrace it.

pretzels and pajamas

Once in a while, you just NEED a day where you refuse to put on pants. Insert: today. 

Recharging this introvert's batteries can be a tough thing to do, especially given the events of the previous week (a divisional meeting, a two-day workshop, and lots of other networking). Each interaction takes a bit of digging deep to make sure the end result is meaningful...and all of that chips away at my "in public" persona. 

Homework had monopolized my life for the past month, but fortunately the June-mester only course is over. I still have two online classes in full swing, but they are far more bearable as the assignments for each class require a few hours a week of effort versus hoping I would be done by midnight each night. This meant that I did not have much of an opportunity to truly recharge. 

Rant over. Today's been fantastic, the sun is setting, and I have no plans to put on pants. This is a grad school weekend as it should be done. :)

reintroducing words to my vocabulary and striking a balance.

A year ago, I never would have imagined that I would be sitting on a bed in the apartment of a residence hall at Clemson. I would have laughed at you if you said I would say "I love you" to someone other than a family member. Needless to say, the past 24 hours have been incredibly interesting for a variety of personal and professional reasons, and I am excited to see how this summer continues to unfold.

I have a tendency to keep my personal life very, very private. Few people know much about me, and even fewer know the real me. For a long time, I thought that was what I needed to do to be "safe" and make sure that no one hurt me. The few times I abstained from this mentality, it backfired and I was the one left alone and tending to wounds. Tentative at best was my approach to any potential suitor...

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind. Between wrapping up my previous job, the adventures of traveling home for a few days, getting to reunite with one of my best friends, and the road trip to Clemson, you would think my time would be monopolized. Rather, my heart was monopolized by someone who came into my life at just the right time...we tease each other because we met during the madness of finals and getting moved out for summer, but it was really the right time for me. I did not know how much I needed someone to come into my life and show me that I am beautiful and loved.

Self-confidence can be very difficult to build if you are someone who is not accustomed to receiving compliments. College and graduate school have completely altered my life, especially since I was fortunate enough to escape the outsider status of the small town that used to be my world. I believe in many ways I am a success story that shows you can leave behind a negative experience and build a new life with positive beginnings and positive influences. There is someone for everyone who will not only tell you about your strengths, but will vehemently defend your honor before anyone.

All smiles from the relationship front, now on to the employment front...
It was a wonderful first day at Clemson. The people are fantastic, and fortunately there are a few individuals close to my age here in town that are all super nice. It has certainly confirmed some of the qualities I seek for my first professional job - the search process creeps up on you before you fully recover from the last search! All in all, it has been an absolutely wonderful day, and the internship enables me to use my degree (ha! that old dusty thing that hasn't been of much use other than tutoring residents/RAs so they pass their history tests...) in a way that will benefit an organization that helped me gain some of my first professional contacts in the Southeast. :)

This may seem like a rather long blog post...and to tell the truth, it is! Life is looking up, and I am blessed with great family, friends, and an amazing boyfriend who seems to always know when to say the right thing and to challenge my thoughts so that I continue to grow. Striking a balance between wanting to spend every moment being happy with all of the recent life changes and actually getting down to work may be a bit tough right now, but it will all work out for the best - just have to have faith. :)

...you're always home.

I've been in Clemson, South Carolina...for approximately twelve hours.

It's been an incredible journey and I am thankful that I had the means to be able to get from a few much-needed days with the family - including an amazing afternoon with just my mom! - and have a day to rest before I jump into an all-day orientation starting at 8am tomorrow. Switching between time zones can mess you up in addition to a super-long drive!

This is going to be a pretty short post, since I'm thinking that a nap is most certainly in order...after I convince myself that contrary to popular belief, it's best to unpack.

All this happened, more or less.

In the midst of a bout of frustration and pretending I didn't have a mountain of work to do before the end of the semester for both classes and my assistantship, I took a few hours to re-read Slaughterhouse-Five. Vonnegut created a slew of characters that I can identify with and understand each reading, and in the most recent reading, I connected with the journey of Billy.

For those who have not read Slaughterhouse-Five, I'll hopefully be able to balance doing justice to the work without also giving away the entire plot. Billy uniquely travels through time, and knows exactly how, when, and where he will eventually die - because he has already seen it. Billy's life was also impacted by his time as a POW captured by Germans during World War II. One of the most interesting concepts brought to light is the concept of free will.

Free will, and my determination that reading Slaughterhouse-Five would help me feel more inclined to better balance the stress of school, work, and the "we're talking but not really talking enough to make this a relationship but maybe it will be a relationship soon" factors that are making life interesting. I forgot to mention that I am also working on an internal assistantship search as well as the beginnings of a thesis...if only I could juggle half as well in real life. I hear jugglers are paid well. ;)

At the fateful point any bookworm knows best - the point where you only have a few pages to read, but a small piece of you is unwilling to allow the story to end - my thoughts turned to school again. Voila! Refreshed and recharged to continue my homework...or so it goes.

I have been immersed in vectors the past few weeks in challenging myself to better understand Chickering, especially considering I gave a brief presentation last Wednesday. In thinking about the fact that the semester is nearly over, I considered my current opinion toward theory - it still strikes me as interesting, but the application piece can be infuriating because of how targeted some theories are to specific audiences (race, religion, etc.). In some ways, I was reminded in my theory class as to one of my primary frustrations with history: the obsession with things that have already happened, ideas of those who have died, and discussions that demonstrated minimal understanding of the basic content. I feel as though I was challenged to remember some dates and important points, but that I don't necessarily know much about a specific theory or could apply the theory without a listing of its vectors, stages, levels, etc. To be fair,  it is difficult to learn something as intense as theories that guide and define an entire career field within the time span of a single semester.

If nothing else, my interest has been sparked and I believe I could enter a conversation and have a basic understanding of theories commonly used in higher education. I am hopeful that there will be some great conversations and opportunities for thought where the knowledge gained through this semester becomes applicable. One of my largest hurdles was becoming "unstuck" to the timeline of theory and its creation, and instead understanding that any theory may be applied regardless of when it was created. Much like Billy in Slaughterhouse-Five, my thoughts were upon how one exercises their free will to develop a better understanding of life. 

In the words of Vonnegut: All this happened, more or less.

Nerd Alert!!!

If you have yet to notice, I am a nerd. I go out of my way to find additional resources to learn, I actively attend trivia nights whenever possible, and I loooooove reading.

However, if there is one thing that can equal instantly being ostracized in today's society, it is nerdiness. Throughout high school and my time as an undergraduate, I struggled to find a place where I felt accepted for being ME. I joined groups like quiz bowl, but also played sports in high school. I knew my peers avoided me because they thought I was "too smart" and "too uppity" for a simple, small-town high school. Goals and aspirations beyond which party to attend next weekend were not their forte. I knew that if I did not escape the area, I would regret never chasing my own dreams.

The problem was, I did not know what those dreams were. I simply knew that I did not want to be like all of the girls I knew - sweeping the front step of a trailer with multiple kids underfoot, hoping that my boyfriend/husband/man of the moment would come home and not be too grumpy from whatever slight had occurred at work that day.

I thought that going to college would help me discover my purpose. I truly believed that a change of scenery, different people, and an environment where individuals are encouraged to succeed would greet me. False. It took a lot of work for me to feel connected at my undergraduate institution. Despite serving on the executive cabinet of Student Senate, I certainly was not connected to my peers. In classes, I often felt as if I were a solo unit, hoping to simply make it through. College challenged me to learn and grow, but I never felt accepted for being myself.

I ultimately found a single organization where I could blossom, grow, and be myself. I think it was simpler to be myself since the organization was virtual for the most part, with three conferences per year bringing delegates together. I was able to apply my desire to be more sociable with my love of helping others, and served a year as the chair for recruitment and retention. The next year, I chose to challenge myself in a new way and served as the director after being elected by my peers. It was so refreshing to finally find a place where I belonged.

With this, I thought that my connection in a regional organization would easily transfer over to a love of housing. My current GA position as a Residence Hall Director has been challenging, a struggle, and full of learning moments. In this experience, I have realized that my passions lie in the administrative moments as well as the moments where you simply get to be with students and live. As I search for a new GA position, I know that I have lived up to my own expectations, but have ultimately discovered another area where I do not "fit".

So...why does any of this matter?

Quite simply, I have been fixated on the concept of transition for some time. In my transition from one student leadership role to the next, I firmly advocated that one should leave their successor in a place where they could readily access the materials necessary to succeed. Additionally, I believe that it is important to continue to provide encouragement and show that despite leaving an organization or department, you still care about their success.

Insert the "nerd alert". I discovered - through Facebook, of course - that Dr. Nancy Schlossberg will be speaking at the New College of Florida in April. A mere four hours away, I could not rest until I found out when Dr. Schlossberg would speak. I have been able to apply her transition theory in particular to my own life, and being able to hear the theorist bring the words to life is impossible to bypass. Unable to find information on the college's website, I resorted to emailing Dr. Schlossberg directly, resigning myself to the possibility that I would not receive a response. I  may have...okay...did scream a mere two hours later when I had a response. A little bit of persistence goes a long way. :)

Taking time to chase what you believe is right for you is important - while you may struggle, not enjoy the task, or find that you do not fit, you can never know until you try. Life is full of transitions, and it is important to embrace the possibilities that are available.

You believe in your own destiny. Now chase it.

Environment can play a huge role when it comes to what you believe you can do with your life. In the movie Rudy, his family belittles and pokes fun at his dream to play football for Notre Dame. His peers are often torn between support of his passion and derisiveness as to how single-minded Rudy is when envisioning his future. His teachers urge him to consider other options and work to talk him out of his dream, because they do not believe that he has the academic marks to belong at Notre Dame.

Despite being faced with disbelief and the constant pressure to give up his dream, Rudy is truly relentless in his aim. Every possible factor plays against Rudy in fulfilling his dream to play football for Notre Dame. Rudy refused to let his environment impact him.

Rudy's enthusiasm began to slowly inspire and change the minds of others around him and he showed that not only could he dream, but he could work toward a dream despite the numerous hurdles and roadblocks set up by individuals who laughed in his face. The pressures of continually pushing oneself toward a dream despite the odds are not to be taken lightly, and those who were close to Rudy as friends and confidantes took the time to nurture his dream and show him that at no point in time was Rudy alone in his aim.

The few clips I viewed also started thoughts in my own mind in relation to my own blossoming career in student affairs. When I decided initially to search for positions during the fall of my final year in college, a number of individuals were not supportive and told me that I would never find a job and that they would do everything possible to ensure I would not find a place for myself in student affairs. Thankfully, I had a great support system and mentors who helped me through the process of conducting a successful job search, but it was disheartening to know that the individuals who were theoretically invested in my personal development did not feel that their support was necessary or would have been valued. Perhaps there is a chip in the shoulder that will remain - as well as a soft spot for those who take less traditional routes to student affairs - but overall, I know that without internal motivation, few things are possible.

A bit of reflection, Take One

Hi all,
For those that don't know, I'm the 'perpetual student'. There is something about being a student that I cannot get away from... ;)

Every now and then, I find an assignment worthy of being posted on my blog, and here is another one that I hope creates some personal thought, fond memories of your own school experiences, and the strength to realize that simply because you may not be in school, you never stop learning, growing, or loving. Skip this if you're not interested in learning my thoughts on theories, or read it if you think you could possibly perhaps be interested in theories (I don't mention any specific theories currently).

Theories.
I'm firmly in the camp that believes a theory is going to be difficult to remember until you can see it in action or directly relate it to a moment within your own life. Learning a flood of theories meant to help understand the college student has plunged me into a sea of reflection on my own college experience...and some of these theories would have been good to know a few years ago to know that "life's greatest tragedy" was simply a phase.

I also tend to reflect upon the experiences that my students tell me about in the trust I have developed as their hall director. Most of the students who talk to me are those who have been in my office to complain, gripe, or otherwise tell me that their college experience is being hampered by (visitation, the lack of a personal bathroom, their HORRIBLE roommate, the thin walls, someone who smells bad, etc. etc. etc.). It is so rare for me to hear a positive story from a student that is a resident.

Back to theories.
It's not that I don't respect the decades of work that went into the development of each theory created to better help those working with college students understand college students. No two college experiences are exactly the same (although I think everyone should have the opportunity to storm a field and tear down a goal post to carry through town...) but there are general concepts, such as the era of personal growth that students go through as they matriculate.

I understand the theories that I have seen students live out in my office or the theories that I can connect to personal experience. Hearing about theories through a lecture setting doesn't do it for me - but that is the struggle of the educational experience.

One thing that my students have worked to do in particular is "acclimate" me to the South. When you are transplanted to another region of the country, there are a few learning curves regardless of how 'developed' you believe you may be - the struggle is real.

In a nutshell, I am still seeking application. There are so many things the classroom experience can provide, but it is difficult for any instructor (and to think I almost did end up a teacher!) to be able to personally apply every lesson directly to each student without intimately knowing the life experiences of each student. Perhaps this is the motivation of my friends who teach young children...

Do we use the word 'friend' too loosely?

On occasion, I have the opportunity to spend vast amounts of time in solitude. These opportunities can be exceptionally productive, or I can laze about and pretend that there is someone else who is going to pick up after me later...hush. A girl can dream.

This holiday weekend has proven to be one filled with plenty of time for reflection since I have not physically seen a person I know in the past 24 hours. Considering the fact I live in a residence hall with 200ish students, this is an impressive feat otherwise known as "sequestered in my apartment with the doors locked". I did venture out to a convenience store, where I had my only verbal conversation of the day with the cashier, who was impressed that I brought my own bag to sack groceries (ahem: junk food).

So...about this concept of friendship.

I do have friends in Valdosta. Acquaintances, good friends, and a few friends who know quite a bit about me. However, one of the things about moving halfway across the country for grad school is that you leave the people who know you best behind. Sure, social media and video chatting can help make the distance bearable. However, being able to Skype with a friend is nothing in comparison to the ability to sit together in silence and simply bask in one another's company. The random decisions and adventures that come with having your best friends close at hand are now relegated to memory.

The door of opportunity is not being ignored. Rather, the importance of being able to make sure that I do not forget who I am in a new setting motivates me to continue to ensure strengthened bonds with friends I hold dear.

So how do you choose whether or not to call someone a friend? What meaning do you attach to friendship?

Why I despise resolutions...

The faith of individuals at the end of December always amazes me. The symbolism behind putting up a new calendar, starting a new year, and making resolutions has always seemed rather...pointless.

• What makes you think having a new planner to write down what qualifies you as "busy" is going to make 2013 any better than any previous year? 

• What makes you believe that the "new year" is going to be completely, irrevocably different than any year you have experienced? 

• Why do you wait until January 1 to enact these resolutions? 

• Do the superstitions and traditions associated with 'ringing in a new year' truly make a difference when it comes to how your year will go? 

Personally, I have yet to understand why such a fuss is made over the beginning of a new calendar year. As such, I tried something different and far from what one would expect a New Year's "bah humbug" individual such as myself: I went to a party. I had the little kazoo. I surrounded myself by individuals who were excited and ready to bring in this new year, to accomplish their new dreams, and to challenge themselves to their new resolutions.

It did not rub off.

I still think people are nuts.

Twenty days into the new year, part of me wants to laugh as people lament the fact they are already slipping when it comes to their resolutions. The opportunity to make a difference in their own lives, and zero motivation exists. It seems ridiculous to expect that overnight, your personal habits and motivations will change.

If you want to make a resolution to change, the first thing you have to change is your attitude. No other changes will occur if you remain mentally indifferent to what you have recognized as "resolution-worthy".