Let the beat take your mind and whip your body around. Don't worry about how you look, or what you're feeling, other than the fact that you know for just a moment, you're all alone with your thoughts. Your thoughts are focused on all that makes you an individual, all that you push to the back of your mind in your interactions with others. Your eyes close slowly as you allow the beat to wash over you, to take you along on its [probably] four minute trek to the depths of your soul. The stresses of the day float away as you slowly loosen up and allow yourself to feel that you're alone, that despite the fact you're sitting in the middle of a public area, you know that no one is actually paying attention.
For a long time, it was difficult to let go, to be. It's gotten easier. I'm still a nervous wreck about 95% of the time, and am working to become a more positive, more free person. I have slowly tried to quit defining myself my stereotypes - examples by request - but it has proven to be more of a challenge than I thought. Those who I trust most often live by similar thoughts, so I question whether it has benefited them.
Whenever I question the ridiculousness of my actions, I keep one thought in my mind: Will I laugh at myself when something ridiculous happens? Will I struggle to accept what happened, chuckle to myself, or turn red with embarrassment?
Face it. Things happen.
How will you react?
Friday, February 26, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
What. The. #%&#*!!!
The title above accurately depicts much of how my life has gone in the past few days. While many of the things leading to such a reaction have been great, positive surprises, there are a few unwelcome items as well.
I know that it is wrong to hold grudges, or to be unwilling to trust another person. However, I have struggled simply to exist over the past few months, and I know that it's taken quite the toll on me. Rebuilding my confidence, as well as my need to know that I am valued by others, has been quite the uphill battle.
Many of those who know me think that I am a pessimist to the extreme, or a realist who is out to rain on everyone's parade. The reality? Quite simply, I feel that I've had to hide my true self for so long that it almost refuses to revive itself. I've taken steps in the right direction, changed my plans, and adapted to each and every obstacle that has come upon my path.
It is far simpler to write than to talk. I finally understand the meaning the words that a shy, fifteen-year-old boy wrote when he admitted that he had a crush on me. At the time, I was on top of the world, and just beginning to realize my potetial. Now, I wonder what happened to that girl, and then I realize that she's been through quite a bit. She's been knocked down, but like a true champion, she rises above the struggle and perseveres in the face of extreme adversity.
Tears rarely fall from these eyelashes, because this girl once was called a crybaby for how emotional she was. Now she's the girl who is sympathetic, but will also cry if she needs to regardless of the setting. A smile is difficult to obtain because she's been taught to be serious, and quit joking around with everything. Professional demonstration of behavior is expected. Childhood is ...
Gone. Please grow up, and realize the emotional strain your "good intent" has caused upon me and my daily life.
*Note: This is a very pointed discussion, but not one that should be taken to literally effect you as you read. Rather, I needed to let this out, and in a setting where I know that I can type and be myself.
I know that it is wrong to hold grudges, or to be unwilling to trust another person. However, I have struggled simply to exist over the past few months, and I know that it's taken quite the toll on me. Rebuilding my confidence, as well as my need to know that I am valued by others, has been quite the uphill battle.
Many of those who know me think that I am a pessimist to the extreme, or a realist who is out to rain on everyone's parade. The reality? Quite simply, I feel that I've had to hide my true self for so long that it almost refuses to revive itself. I've taken steps in the right direction, changed my plans, and adapted to each and every obstacle that has come upon my path.
It is far simpler to write than to talk. I finally understand the meaning the words that a shy, fifteen-year-old boy wrote when he admitted that he had a crush on me. At the time, I was on top of the world, and just beginning to realize my potetial. Now, I wonder what happened to that girl, and then I realize that she's been through quite a bit. She's been knocked down, but like a true champion, she rises above the struggle and perseveres in the face of extreme adversity.
Tears rarely fall from these eyelashes, because this girl once was called a crybaby for how emotional she was. Now she's the girl who is sympathetic, but will also cry if she needs to regardless of the setting. A smile is difficult to obtain because she's been taught to be serious, and quit joking around with everything. Professional demonstration of behavior is expected. Childhood is ...
Gone. Please grow up, and realize the emotional strain your "good intent" has caused upon me and my daily life.
*Note: This is a very pointed discussion, but not one that should be taken to literally effect you as you read. Rather, I needed to let this out, and in a setting where I know that I can type and be myself.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
"Let us live today." - J.C.F. von Schiller
"I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.-William Allen White
Being such a mass of nerves for so long has made this rather...incomprehensible. I can't believe that I did it! It's been a struggle, and I know that I have definitely gotten myself into the unknown. Sometimes you find good things in the dark. The quote above definitely describes at least the next year of my life as I trek upon a new leadership adventure with no predecessors, but plenty of positive encouragement.
We expect more of ourselves than we have any right to.- Oliver Wendell Holmes
Perhaps my goals are a bit lofty - but then again, one has to start somewhere, and why not make it something where you leave a personal mark? Creative and innovative ideas are only a small portion of what I've got on my plate, but I look forward to seeing how everything else in my life pans out for the upcoming year. Perhaps I should have started with a smaller, more reasonable goal: like cleaning my room. Again. How did it get so messy in less than a day?! I think that's what I'll do after this.
Put your heart, mind, intellect, and soul even to your smallest acts. This is the secret of success.- Swami Sivananda
This is a quote that I have used personally to ensure that I pay attention to the details. This weekend, I was asked what my leadership style is...something that I've never been asked or even really considered until that time, for you lead. However, I had an answer, one which I think shows how I act - I think through the details and put them together into the big picture. Perhaps you could call it reverse micromanaging [another word I heard frequently throughout the weekend]. I love that knowing that I dropped off some copies on the right day helps keep things moving, or simply knowing that because I took the time to say hello, it made someone else's day a bit brighter. Success is whatever you decide to make it - and I have decided that my success is to improve not only myself, but my peers, friends, and all those who I interact with in a positive way.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
lost in the abyss of questioning
i feel alone. it seems that no matter how many questions i ask, or how positive i portray myself to be, i'm still a nervous wreck. i am prepared in every sense that i can prepare. yes, you say good luck, and you seem confident that i'm the right person coming forth at the right time.
the nagging doubt that digs through my mind and gnaws at my nerves continues. anyone who reads this and knows me will know exactly how i feel right now. it's difficult to explain, and even more difficult to tolerate, let alone work with.
thoughts?
the nagging doubt that digs through my mind and gnaws at my nerves continues. anyone who reads this and knows me will know exactly how i feel right now. it's difficult to explain, and even more difficult to tolerate, let alone work with.
thoughts?
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Sometimes a loss now means winning big later...
As I lie here in hopes of succumbing to a deep slumber, I think upon the many things that I once cherished and held dear. While this may imply far more than I intend, I simply mean to say that each new experience - and college seems to be overflowing - has made me into a different, more "well-rounded individual".
Perhaps I liked my jagged edges. At the same time, I don't like smooth people. I always feel like someone is trying to pull something over on me. I've got no intentions of slipping my way through life. I want to create those jagged edges that everyone else seems so determined to file away.
Every time I fall, or believe, or trust, I am creating a jagged edge. I give a piece of myself up to someone else, allow myself to be in their care, and hope for something in return. There are those who have received far less than what they have given me, and they have the jagged edges that I desire.
What a confusing mess. It's nearly 2am. The time isn't necessarily the issue, but rather that I'm typing away about a thought, but not a carefully-formed thought. Word vomit, you might say. Regardless, it's imperfect, and jagged.
It's how I wish to be.
Perhaps I liked my jagged edges. At the same time, I don't like smooth people. I always feel like someone is trying to pull something over on me. I've got no intentions of slipping my way through life. I want to create those jagged edges that everyone else seems so determined to file away.
Every time I fall, or believe, or trust, I am creating a jagged edge. I give a piece of myself up to someone else, allow myself to be in their care, and hope for something in return. There are those who have received far less than what they have given me, and they have the jagged edges that I desire.
What a confusing mess. It's nearly 2am. The time isn't necessarily the issue, but rather that I'm typing away about a thought, but not a carefully-formed thought. Word vomit, you might say. Regardless, it's imperfect, and jagged.
It's how I wish to be.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)