Every day, I question if I am doing what I really want in life. Do I want to go in this direction? I have the potential to go this way...let's explore for a bit. Indecisive might be my middle name for a while longer, but I have finally hit the point where I really need to figure out which direction I want to take, throw my passion in the right places, and really start to develop and make sure I've got the full persona for the future of my dreams.
Too many questions, too little time, and too little focus. I've got to pull it all together. Even the Iron Chef always has a secret ingredient...just have to wait for mine.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Saturday, May 14, 2011
remembering...and regaining.
When you think back, sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it makes you smile, and sometimes you wistfully think about the people you once were able to surround yourself with and can no longer for a variety of reasons.
Recently, I have been blessed with many opportunities. As I think back and reflect about the path that I took - with its bright moments, the lifelong friends, and the memories that I will treasure - and dig a bit deeper into my memories - the ugly, bitter moments where I thought I wasn't strong enough to even be seen walking to the bathroom across the hall, the six months where I thought I was too ugly for anyone to care, the wrongs that I committed, and the moments where I simply had to cry because there was no other emotion - I realize that it all meshes to create one picture, and that with my branching path, I've been wise enough to create a strong foundation.
Even when I didn't want to really be a part of the world and coexist with people who seemed to have everything from my skewed sense of perception, I never gave up hope. Quite frankly, I was far more okay with upsetting myself that I was with upsetting a friend. While it still bothers me to upset a friend, I've realized that ultimately, I've got to make myself happy.
I can now say that I'm in a place where I don't look in the mirror and want to go back to bed rather than face the world each morning. Yes, we all have mornings like this sometimes. Just not every morning.
Yesterday, for the first time in years, I looked into a mirror and actually smiled at what I saw. I may not be perfect, but I am me.
The journey has been tough, and I know that while I may have felt alone, I have regained self-love.
Recently, I have been blessed with many opportunities. As I think back and reflect about the path that I took - with its bright moments, the lifelong friends, and the memories that I will treasure - and dig a bit deeper into my memories - the ugly, bitter moments where I thought I wasn't strong enough to even be seen walking to the bathroom across the hall, the six months where I thought I was too ugly for anyone to care, the wrongs that I committed, and the moments where I simply had to cry because there was no other emotion - I realize that it all meshes to create one picture, and that with my branching path, I've been wise enough to create a strong foundation.
Even when I didn't want to really be a part of the world and coexist with people who seemed to have everything from my skewed sense of perception, I never gave up hope. Quite frankly, I was far more okay with upsetting myself that I was with upsetting a friend. While it still bothers me to upset a friend, I've realized that ultimately, I've got to make myself happy.
I can now say that I'm in a place where I don't look in the mirror and want to go back to bed rather than face the world each morning. Yes, we all have mornings like this sometimes. Just not every morning.
Yesterday, for the first time in years, I looked into a mirror and actually smiled at what I saw. I may not be perfect, but I am me.
The journey has been tough, and I know that while I may have felt alone, I have regained self-love.
Friday, May 13, 2011
letting go.
numbness comes in waves
my hand feels naked
the groove is still there
the skin is soft - it soaks up tears
just more proof that life isn't fair.
it all seems useless.
the smiles, hellos,
the "good, how about you?"
the need to be with someone
but to still be alone.
even ben & jerry didn't change the mood.
i feel sick but i'm not hopeless.
how do you try so hard yet fail?
music haunts me because
you still sing along.
the rumors and bad people hit
like a horrid gale
just let me know if you need to talk
or yell
or cry
the last thing i want to do
is live the happy lie
but i have no desire to make you
or break you
or hate you
i am not going to hurt you
because as difficult as it is
to be true to my word, i know
that we each need to breathe
gather our thoughts
and muster the courage
to leave.
my hand feels naked
the groove is still there
the skin is soft - it soaks up tears
just more proof that life isn't fair.
it all seems useless.
the smiles, hellos,
the "good, how about you?"
the need to be with someone
but to still be alone.
even ben & jerry didn't change the mood.
i feel sick but i'm not hopeless.
how do you try so hard yet fail?
music haunts me because
you still sing along.
the rumors and bad people hit
like a horrid gale
just let me know if you need to talk
or yell
or cry
the last thing i want to do
is live the happy lie
but i have no desire to make you
or break you
or hate you
i am not going to hurt you
because as difficult as it is
to be true to my word, i know
that we each need to breathe
gather our thoughts
and muster the courage
to leave.
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