Plague #5: Rejection in Form Letters and Applying for Unemployment

Date: [be sure to date a week late, since promptness is our middle name, and you 

know the intern who is Bob's son forgets to drop off the mail at least twice a week]

Dear ____________ [insert failure at existence here, since they can't even get a job flipping burgers.]
   After careful consideration [okay, about 30 seconds] of your application [you know, the epic you wrote us about your life, complete with every personal detail needed to steal your identity in case our business goes under], we [although these letters only have one signature?] have decided to hire another applicant. [Fantastic. Glad to know I wasted time and money.] We will keep your application on file for ## of days/weeks/months [You mean, wait for Bob's son the intern to shred it whenever he gets his head out of his ass.] and will be in contact with you [We've already forgotten your name] in case of any openings that may occur [and you have our full permission to begin to pity them at your earliest convenience.].
    Once again, thank you for your interest [ha! You just want a paycheck, sucker!] in our company.
 '
Sincerely,
[I'm too lazy to sign my name. Stamp it, Bob's son the Intern.]
[Some officer or executive, or at least a manager]

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Obviously, by this point, you can tell that I've been racking up quite the collection of job rejection letters. This doesn't take into account the folks who are kind enough to make a call or send an email rather than making you wait the week or so for the letter to make it your way assuming that they are prompt in making a decision.

Whoever writes these form letters should be fired, and then they should hire me. I mean, between jobs and relationships, I've definitely got a resume filled with rejection.
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Applying for unemployment is quite the interesting process. I love how very very specific the questions are, and then how very stingy the state of Missouri happens to be. I spent 2 hours on the phone with a "claims adjustment specialist" because they couldn't understand how I was making a living on my job that I have during the school year. I thought it was a pretty good question myself...but then I thought of student loans.

I advise having a LOT of patience, enjoying craptastic hold music, and a lot of comfort food nearby to make it through the process. Just thinking about it makes me want to start baking up a storm...            
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I wonder how many trees have been killed in denying employment to Americans...just think, it's probably enough to forest over the entire state of Minnesota. It could be Timber Stadium instead of Target Stadium. ;) Just kidding! but seriously, Kansas and Nebraska could use a few trees...