Plague #4: Hair

Yes. I'm going there. From that annoying single dark hair that seems to think it's perfectly at home growing on your chin, to the infuriating mass of hair atop your head [if you have any], hair frustrates all of us. We straighten, curl, scrunch, spray, condition, brush, pin, yank, twist, and do everything imaginable just in hopes of attaining an unrealistic hairstyle.

No, I'm not talking about the other hair on your body. It's not my business what your legs/armpits/whatever else you choose to shave looks like, and I don't want to know. This is [for once] going to be a PG post, rather than the typical obscenity-filled rant about whatever it is that I feel the need to write about. Therefore, we're going to stick to the hair on your head, meaning your eyebrows yes, mustache/beard [yes - male, no - female], and whatever length of hair it is you have in your scalp.

• Eyebrows: Unibrows are NOT and will NEVER be attractive. Buy a tweezers, wax, something! Also, if your eyebrows look like a potential forest fire in the making from lack of upkeep, that's a problem. Some people do look good with bushier eyebrows [typically guys, although some girls can rock it], but for the majority of us, it's a look we should avoid, because it looks like your face has been invaded by a couple of furry caterpillars. Define 'upkeep' however you choose - just make sure it's more frequently than once a season.
• Nose hair. Trim that shit. Okay, so this just went downhill, but nothing will gross me out faster than dark hairs sticking out from your nostrils.For the guys out there, it is NOT acceptable for these hairs to just 'merge' themselves into your mustache.
• That random chin hair [on a female] - I'm a victim of this just as much as the next lady, but you know, leave it to a young child who can get away with saying something ridiculous in public to point out that there is a really really LONG hair coming out from your chin. Pluck it and keep an eye out...those suckers keep coming back to embarrass you at the most inconvenient times. 
• Beards [on females] are just wrong, unless you're in the circus and completely content with your life.
• Beards [on males] can take on a plethora of forms...all I ask is that you maintain whatever facial hair festival you are willing to parade around with on your face. You take care of your beard, your partner will know that you will take care of them as well. 
• Mustaches [on females] happen. Bleach it, shave it, whatever. Just take care of it somehow, unless, once again, you are in the circus and completely content with your life.
• Mustaches [on males] can take on a lot of different forms. Personally, I think these are hit-and-miss. Some people look right with a mustache, others should probably go find their razor. Also, mustaches can be overdone, and this can create issues because then your partner wonders if you're more concerned about your facial hair than about their well-being.
• Scalp hair [on males] varies from the shaved head, the buzz cut, the spiky look, the "I just got electrocuted" look, the long and shaggy look, the "my hair is longer than most females" to the "I just roll out of bed and don't own a brush" look. Whatever it is, ask someone in your life who you trust with fashion advice and see what their thoughts are. For all of the fashionistas out there - save a male with bad hair. In some drastic cases, you might just host a scavenger hunt to see what you're going to find.
• Scalp hair [on females]...where to begin?! It seems that no matter what our own hair is like, we're always longing for our hair to do something else, to look like someone else's, or to simply cooperate. On the very rare day it does cooperate, the weather decides to play tricks and ruin that small success. Once again, maintenance is key. If you're going to fry your hair by straightening it daily, then make sure you're conditioning. Want the perfect curly hair? Make sure you comb it so it's not one mass eating the rest of your face. 
• My last point is in terms of era: Please, please, PLEASE leave the bad hair days of the 1980s behind. Some of you have moms [or are those moms] who think that they are hip because their hair 'feathered perfectly' or they managed the puffball of bangs look which was just FINE prior to combing the shit out of it.

Okay, so this is just the surface of my thoughts on this plague against society. For those of you asking, right now my hair is down, curling in at the ends, and being very cooperative. I sense a nice downpour in the near future...or at least another epic case of Maryville wind tunnels to wreak havoc.